Thursday, May 18, 2017

"As a Mom..."

I have to say, this has not been the worst Mother's Day in the world, but crap. It's hasn't been exactly the best, either. Now, let's make sure we're all on the same page here. I think that honoring our mothers is a good thing. Motherhood is incredibly hard, and often thankless. I do not begrudge mothers some well-deserved thanks and appreciation! In no way does my frustration negate the need for and goodness of something like Mother's Day.

It's just... This particular Mother's Day won't die. It started early and seems to be dragging on until kingdom come. It started with someone asking me, "Are you a mother?" and then awkwardly trailing off instead of wishing me a happy Mother's Day as they had obviously intended to prior to that. That was about a week ago. I tried staying away from social media for a few days, which is usually enough, but my news feeds have been incredibly insistent that I see everyone's Mother's Day posts even days later. For some reason, work was a tough one this time, too. All of my coworkers were wishing each other a happy Mother's Day; at least those that were mothers. Somehow this year being left out of those greetings was just a culmination of being left out of all things motherhood and  therefore (seemingly) all things womanhood.

Okay, in a world that gets offended by all the things, let me say again. I am not offended. It is good and right for people to honor the mothers among us. I am not asking to be included, because I am not a mother. I am not saying that I also deserve some sort of recognition here. Not at all. I'm just saying that it hurts. Not that anyone did anything wrong, but that this is life and life hurts sometimes.

Thankfully, Mass (the one that I dread for weeks in advance) was not too bad. It was simply Mass. At the end, the priest did a blessing for the mothers, and while it wasn't one of the most inclusive ones the the world, it was fine. I don't mind a single blessing. It's when everything revolves around Mother's Day and you get beaten by it through the whole Mass that it's especially difficult. This was okay.

The topper this week was that there was a friend of mine that was having some pretty intense struggles with one of her kids. All of us were concerned and wanted to help, but one of our mutual friends kept saying, "as a mom, I can't even imagine..." "as a mom, I'm so worried", etc. Right. As a not mom, I can't understand the worry in the slightest. As a not mom, I barely care at all.

Look, I get that there are things about motherhood that I will never fully understand unless I become a mother some day. There is a transformation there, and, yes, the mutual friend did have a perspective that I did not. I do not think that the mutual friend meant to negate my own feelings of concern, but that's how it made me feel. We all felt a kick in the gut, but my kick in the gut was apparently of no importance as a not mom. Am I over reacting? I definitely think so. It's a sensitive area for me, and I don't have the distance for true perspective here. Not to mention that this is a complete side issue and of no real importance to what was going on (which is thankfully better now).

What I realized about all of this, is that it may be partly how the world sees me, but it's more about how I see me. I feel "less than" because I do not feel that I am living out the fullness of my calling in life. I feel "less than" because I am not a mom. I realize now more than ever that it may not ever happen for me, and somehow I have to face that feeling of "less than" that may be a permanent part of my life. Logically, I can argue with that feeling, but it is an emotion, and it doesn't care about any of my logic.

If I can address my own feelings of "less than", then what others may or may not think will probably be less hurtful, but I do think that there is also a tendency for people to dismiss women who don't have children as being somewhat selfish or career-driven, or less caring. In this world of ART, AI, etc. I am sometimes seen as not being a mother because I choose not to be a mother. Trust me when I tell you, this state of things is not my choice. Yes, I choose to avoid those avenues because I do not feel that they are in line with the dignity of children, but I do not avoid them so that I can sleep through the night and so that I can travel. (And if I do sleep through the night and travel, well, every cross has a silver lining.)

Honestly, I don't really know where this post is going. Nowhere fast, it appears. Maybe I just had to get a few things off my chest. Know that I have been praying for all who have been struggling with Mother's Day for so many reasons.