April was a crazy busy hectic month for me. I know a lot of people have it crazier and busier, but it was more than I can handle. The worst thing about my schedule getting off is that then it's even harder for me to deal with my food insanities. Here's the thing, I seem to have a high metabolism as well as hypoglycemia issues. But I also have a large number of food intolerances. So somehow I have to find time to cook and eat things and when I don't have time, I don't eat enough. It's a pain in the butt, because it's not like I can just go to the store and get whatever and not worry about it. When I have several days of not eating enough (which means that I am still eating as much or more than a normal person my size), the blood sugar issues get stupid. Or I get stupid is more like it.
Friday was one of those days to pay the piper. It started during my work out. I felt like crap, so I ate, but it wasn't enough. Therefore, I spent 20 minutes of my workout trying not to pass out and generating crazy low numbers. Really, I shouldn't have been there, or I should have left early when it was that bad, but like I said, I get stupid and can't figure out how to get myself taken care of. Just when I had almost convinced myself to leave (low blood sugar me takes a long, long time to make a decision) then my little snack kicked in and I felt a lot better and was a lot closer to my normal numbers, but when I'm running on a deficit like that, I don't need to be spending it in a workout. Which I found out when I fought issues all day on Friday. Low energy, everything was too much to handle, everything about my life that is a challenge reached crisis proportions. Not because anything bad happened, but because I couldn't deal. I was done, ready to throw in the towel. I quit.
Really what happens is that you keep plugging along and deal. I changed the calendar, and this photo came up.
I had forgotten that this was the photo for May. Suddenly I was back on that mountain on that gorgeous day. The thing about this hike, though, it was a huge struggle. It was long (not really a problem) but it had some exposure (drop offs). They were short in distance (but long in drop), and the surrounding terrain wasn't bad, but I couldn't handle it that day. I had just heard about my 23 year old patient's death the week before, and suddenly things like rock slides and drop offs were this huge specter. It was obvious that things could happen. I wanted to quit on the hike that day, too. I didn't want to go past the rock pile, then the drop off, then the narrow summit surrounded by drop offs. I told my friend that he should go ahead, and that I would come as far as I felt comfortable, then stop if I needed to. It was one step at a time, that summit. I got there, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I hated every second of being on that summit and kept thinking about going past all those things on the way back down.
The thing is, though it sounds dangerous and it felt dangerous, really the way the set up was, it wasn't that bad. You could step away from the edges. Those rocks weren't going anywhere. I was angry with myself for being that anxious about it. I could recognize that I was having something of an anxiety attack, and I could recognize that those aren't logical, but I was still angry that my reactions were completely over the top and I couldn't just decide to change them. This photo was taken when I had just finished coming back over the area that was bothering me. I had just figured out why I was having so many issues (because I didn't immediately connect it to my patient's situation, but I really do think that was it- his was a car accident, but it was still just as sudden and just as final; things that always bother me were just over the top that hike). I was still angry at myself for my overreaction, but I was starting to calm down, and I love this photo.
I felt like giving up that day, and when I didn't, it still didn't feel good. At the time. But it was good. That whole summer was a struggle (for a number of reasons), but it wasn't necessarily bad. Just hard. Some of the fall out is still going on for me. This photo is a reminder, one step at a time, and enjoy the beautiful moments along the way. It helped me get through Friday, even though I still didn't really enjoy the day.
On a practical note, I changed my weekend plans from a very strenuous hike to a fairly easy bike ride, and have caught up on some things around the house, including lots of eating. Turns out that the world is not such a dark and gloomy place when you're not fighting the low blood sugar beast. I also fell asleep on the couch this afternoon for about 3 hours. I really don't want to nap during the day, because then I don't sleep, but I'm going with the thought that I needed it. Hopefully I can get a little more back into my routine and not have quite so many issues this next month.