Wednesday, May 20, 2015

No Motivation

I am in a funk. Oh, baby. And everyone around me is in the same one. We've barely seen the sun in several weeks, and we are a bunch of spoiled brats that lose our minds if we haven't seen the sun in 3 days. My basement has over a foot of water in it right now, so there is no heat, and no hot water. No one can come to fix it until the water is gone. You might think this is no big deal, because you live in a place where you're hot right now, but it's 40's and damp here, maybe highs in the 50's, so my house doesn't warm up much right now.

I am finding that even though I don't really have to do anything to fix the basement (my landlords are great), I am still getting nothing done. It makes no sense, because the basement is unfinished and I don't really ever go down there. But I blame the fact that I'm cold. And the funk from lack of sun and outdoors. SOMEBODY TURN OFF THE FAUCET SO I CAN GO OUTSIDE BEFORE I LOSE WHAT LITTLE IS LEFT OF MY MIND!!!

I bought a bike just before this all started, so it's mostly been hanging out unused. I can't hike, and my weight is  creeping up. Not bad, but I saw some numbers on the scale that I haven't seen in almost 2 years, and I was not happy about it. I'm actually eating less than I typically do, but I think I'm also eating too much sugar. I blame the clouds and the never ending dripping.

Have I mentioned that roads and trails are washing away? Stop the madness!

It is confirmed. I can never move to Seattle. (I am considering a visit, however, because I guess they are currently having beautiful sunny weather.)

I know, I know I shouldn't be complaining because we often have amazing weather. I have tried to hold it in, I really have, but it's reached a point to all come bubbling out; kind of like the miniature springs of water that I have in my basement.

Deep breaths.

Okay, my equilibrium will return when the sun does, but for now there are clouds, so let's play Pollyanna and talk about the silver linings.

One: I was so bored being stuck inside so much that I finally signed up for Insta.gram*. I love it more than I should. I started following a bunch of climbing and cycling feeds, and some of those pictures are just insane and make me happy to see them. I also have started following a few bloggers, but I'm not that good about knowing who's on there, so if you are, let me know. I'll follow you!

Two: There is water in my basement, but it is only ground water. It's clean and clear, which is something that I was very grateful for as I was wading around in it yesterday to clean out everything that I had stored down there. Most of it went to the trash. It was a little sad to see some if it go, but thankfully I didn't keep anything too important down there.

Three: I discovered something about myself. There was one box that I didn't know was down there. It had some photos in frames, and I was sad to see them destroyed. Most were digitally backed up, but one was a framed collage a friend had given me from an epic hike we did, one of my first really big mountains from before I moved out here. It was kind of hard putting those photos in the trash, but the way the backs were already molding, I had no choice. However, even though I can be very sentimental, I realized I wasn't as sad as I could be. I like to hold onto those things because they represent things that are important to me, but what I realized is that the things didn't matter as much as I thought. Those people and experiences are a part of me. Losing those things doesn't change that.

Four: I am guilty of taking our normal wonderful weather for granted. I think I will appreciate it so much more!

Five: Most of the stuff in my basement was just extra stuff that I didn't really need. It felt really good to get rid of that, especially the microwave.

I'm sure I could find more, but my break is over for the moment. I am excited to have 4 of the next 7 days off, and while all of them have rain forecast, at least some of them may allow a little outdoor time. Maybe? We can only hope and pray.

*Warning! I'm so late signing up for things that often by the time I get on board, things are on their way out. If In.stagram dies, it's probably my fault.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

The Sixth Sunday of Lent

AKA: Mother's Day.

Y'all, I hope you all had a blessed day. I know it wasn't easy for everyone, but I hope that it was good. You've been on my heart. I will say that Mass was not 100% smooth sailing, but it was absolutely lovely in a number of ways. I went to an early Mass at a church I don't usually go to and was immediately reassured by by the fact that it wasn't terribly full and the people that were there mostly had gray hair. And the priest that was celebrating the Mass is an amazing priest. You know what happened after he got up front? He celebrated the Mass. No mention of the secular holiday at the greeting, and his homily was centered around the readings (and it was really fantastic and just what I needed to hear, as it turns out). Nothing about motherhood. There was a petition, but it was broad enough that I felt that it included about everyone.

The real kicker, though, was the blessing of the mothers. The blessing is difficult for me, but I do think that we should have it. As I've said, I do think that Mother's Day is something that is good to celebrate. The fact that it is hard for some of us doesn't mean that we shouldn't celebrate it. I was where I could leave if I needed it to. But here's where the priest kept coming with the amazingness. He invited all mothers to stand, "mothers, stepmothers, foster mothers, godmothers, and spiritual mothers." Although I chose not to stand (because it's still kind of weird), it allows anyone to stand up, because women are all called to nurture and love the people in our lives in a way that brings them closer to God. Obviously, those that are also physical mothers are called to be spiritual mothers first to their children, but also to anyone that is brought in their life. Those of us that for whatever reason are not physical mothers, are still called to nurture and "mother" those in our lives.

I didn't really care that I wasn't standing. I was in the back, I didn't feel conspicuous. I think it was also because I felt I could have stood if I wanted to that I didn't mind sitting quite as much. But the part that was absolutely most important was that because of the way he said it, and because I finally understood it, when he gave a beautiful blessing, he meant me, too. He meant all of you who ache for children that are no longer here, or whose arms are empty but whose hearts are full with a love that you would so love to give a child. Standing or sitting didn't matter to me, because I wasn't left out of the blessing itself. And for once I could see that in a real way, instead of just a cerebral way.

For once when I ducked out of church early on a Mother's Day, the tears were not only because it was hard, but also because it was healing.

Friday, May 8, 2015

It's That Time of Year Again

Y'all, this weekend is Mother's Day. I like the idea of Mother's Day. I have a mother that deserves to be recognized, and some amazing grandmothers. I have many friends that are amazing mothers, and I think that should be honored. I just hate that in practice, it becomes such an excruciating day for so many. Whether you're hurting because you've lost a mother, because of a poor mother/child relationship, because you've lost a child or children, or because your arms are empty and aching, or whatever your reason is, hey, let's ratchet it up a notch or a hundred.

Thankfully, for me personally, things aren't quite as raw as they have been some years, but I admit that Mother's Day can sometimes bring it all back on in a heartbeat. I dread going to Mass. Any other day is fine, but Mother's day is a problem. I'll go to the early Mass, be at the back door by the blessing, and out a little early. Sorry, but that's what it takes. I think that I will be relatively okay for the rest of the day, though. I'll be talking with my mother and otherwise I will be insulating myself in my home most likely.  I will avoid f.acebook like the plague.

Anyway, I don't say this to try to sound pathetic (though maybe I am). I just want to say that I know that there will be a lot of you in a lot of different situations that are going to be hurting this weekend, and I will be thinking of you and praying for you. There are also a lot of you that have a lot to celebrate this weekend, and I am so happy that there is reason to rejoice this weekend as well.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Giving Up

April was a crazy busy hectic month for me. I know a lot of people have it crazier and busier, but it was more than I can handle. The worst thing about my schedule getting off is that then it's even harder for me to deal with my food insanities. Here's the thing, I seem to have a high metabolism as well as hypoglycemia issues. But I also have a large number of food intolerances. So somehow I have to find time to cook and eat things and when I don't have time, I don't eat enough. It's a pain in the butt, because it's not like I can just go to the store and get whatever and not worry about it. When I have several days of not eating enough (which means that I am still eating as much or more than a normal person my size), the blood sugar issues get stupid. Or I get stupid is more like it.

Friday was one of those days to pay the piper. It started during my work out. I felt like crap, so I ate, but it wasn't enough. Therefore, I spent 20 minutes of my workout trying not to pass out and generating crazy low numbers. Really, I shouldn't have been there, or I should have left early when it was that bad, but like I said, I get stupid and can't figure out how to get myself taken care of. Just when I had almost convinced myself to leave (low blood sugar me takes a long, long time to make a decision) then my little snack kicked in and I felt a lot better and was a lot closer to my normal numbers, but when I'm running on a deficit like that, I don't need to be spending it in a workout. Which I found out when I fought issues all day on Friday. Low energy, everything was too much to handle, everything about my life that is a challenge reached crisis proportions. Not because anything bad happened, but because I couldn't deal. I was done, ready to throw in the towel. I quit.

Really what happens is that you keep plugging along and deal. I changed the calendar, and this photo came up.

I had forgotten that this was the photo for May. Suddenly I was back on that mountain on that gorgeous day. The thing about this hike, though, it was a huge struggle. It was long (not really a problem) but it had some exposure (drop offs). They were short in distance (but long in drop), and the surrounding terrain wasn't bad, but I couldn't handle it that day. I had just heard about my 23 year old patient's death the week before, and suddenly things like rock slides and drop offs were this huge specter. It was obvious that things could happen. I wanted to quit on the hike that day, too. I didn't want to go past the rock pile, then the drop off, then the narrow summit surrounded by drop offs. I told my friend that he should go ahead, and that I would come as far as I felt comfortable, then stop if I needed to. It was one step at a time, that summit. I got there, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I hated every second of being on that summit and kept thinking about going past all those things on the way back down.

The thing is, though it sounds dangerous and it felt dangerous, really the way the set up was, it wasn't that bad. You could step away from the edges. Those rocks weren't going anywhere. I was angry with myself for being that anxious about it. I could recognize that I was having something of an anxiety attack, and I could recognize that those aren't logical, but I was still angry that my reactions were completely over the top and I couldn't just decide to change them. This photo was taken when I had just finished coming back over the area that was bothering me. I had just figured out why I was having so many issues (because I didn't immediately connect it to my patient's situation, but I really do think that was it- his was a car accident, but it was still just as sudden and just as final; things that always bother me were just over the top that hike). I was still angry at myself for my overreaction, but I was starting to calm down, and I love this photo.

I felt like giving up that day, and when I didn't, it still didn't feel good. At the time. But it was good. That whole summer was a struggle (for a number of reasons), but it wasn't necessarily bad. Just hard. Some of the fall out is still going on for me. This photo is a reminder, one step at a time, and enjoy the beautiful moments along the way. It helped me get through Friday, even though I still didn't really enjoy the day.

On a practical note, I changed my weekend plans from a very strenuous hike to a fairly easy bike ride, and have caught up on some things around the house, including lots of eating. Turns out that the world is not such a dark and gloomy place when you're not fighting the low blood sugar beast. I also fell asleep on the couch this afternoon for about 3 hours. I really don't want to nap during the day, because then I don't sleep, but I'm going with the thought that I needed it. Hopefully I can get a little more back into my routine and not have quite so many issues this next month.