I'm ready, I think, for the new year. More important than that, I'm ready for the new day. It's easy to think that this year will be different; maybe this will be the one where something will happen that will make it all better. This will be the year that I conquer this habit or reach that goal. Then Monday comes, and it's the same grind, same routine, same things pushing our buttons, same anxieties, insecurities, over and over again.
This last year certainly had some hard moments for me. There were times of facing the death of people that shouldn't have had to die, but there was also that reminder that while death makes me very sad, it is not the end. This life is not all there is. There is one that conquered death, and that is a good thing.
I have been facing some insecurities at work. Some are always there and are currently just accentuated. The most frustrating thing about it when this happens is that I always think, "Not only does this stink, but I didn't even want to be doing this with my life right now. I wanted to be doing very part time work while I took care of my family, so I wouldn't really care much if the work load was light." The good news about things being a little too light is that I have time to do something a little different and actually do some continued study. Like I said in my last post, it's been amazing what it's done. I still don't believe the changes that I am seeing in my own body. It's not just in my head, either. I got a massage on Thursday from a massage therapist that I have seen off and on for a couple of years. She knows the state my neck is normally in, and neither of us could believe how loose it was last week. She also noticed that my quads and knees were much less "gunky" (that's the technical term) than they typically are.
There have been some moments (thankfully very brief!) of depression, but there have also been some great things to overcome and some wonderful reminders of what amazing people that I have in my life.
I guess what I'm saying is, 2014 in all it's various mixes of stuff was, in the end, a gift. 2015 is a gift. I don't know what it will bring, and I'm sure that I will complain in the midst of it, but it's a gift. Today is a gift. So is tomorrow. I don't know what will happen this year, but that's really part of the fun! I don't really have a goal for the year, but I have a goal for tomorrow: to keep moving forward. To keep pressing into what's uncomfortable. To focus on what I can do on this day. Specifically, that means that I'm going to the gym tomorrow, even though I'm feeling a bit of burn out (don't worry, I'm going to take an extra day off this week to fight the burn out, but I also don't want to give into it completely. It's a balance thing.) I'm going to at least make some sort of a record of budget. I'm going to get groceries (finally) and cook again, even though it seems to be one of the most pointless things that I do. I'm going to keep studying and keep trying to get better at my job, and keep trying to translate that into something that my patients will want to do. I'm going to keep trying tomorrow. Then on Tuesday, the specifics might look a little different, but the gist will be the same. That's why I can write a New Year's post almost 2 weeks in. It's not about the date, it's about today.
|Welcome, 2015. Let's do this.|