Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Hello, April

This week is absolutely bananas.  Crazy number of new patients (business being busy is a good thing, but also a lot of work!), whole new paperwork system that will hopefully be very helpful someday soon, but right now is causing and insane amount of extra work and extra stress.  You know what happens when I get overstimulated like that?  It all comes crashing down.

I've already been struggling with the coworker who is beautifully pregnant and is planning her maternity leave and very part time return, but now it's even worse. I'm happy for her, but sometimes I have to pull away from those conversations about it.  All my coworkers are addressing her as "Mama".  What a cute little knife to the heart that is! I don't know that it will ever be me.  Even if I meet someone tomorrow, I will be in at an "advanced maternal age" (I usually don't feel old, but that phrase makes me feel horribly ancient) should I ever get pregnant.  And for several years, I've known enough to recognize that I may not be terribly fertile anyway.

It's killing me to see the people who are exactly my age and in the middle of the chaos of the large family that I always wanted.  And those that are younger than me and so much farther along that road that I wanted to travel.  It's hard to explain it to anyone who doesn't understand (and those of you that do understand, don't need explanation).  It's NOT that I wish things were any different for those people around me.  It's not that they don't have many trying things about that life that I always wanted.  But.  It's hard to miss the deep peace and contentment that comes from people living their vocation. For most of us, singleness is not a vocation.  It is merely what has happened up to this point of our lives.  It doesn't meant that God has forgotten us, but it sure can feel like it.

The other day, I saw someone after 2 years, and they were asking me what was new in my life, and there were no new external things to tell them. How do the years keep passing and nothing else changes?

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, yes. It's the beginning of April.  When everything rolls over me, and I just get tired sometimes I have to stop and take a breath (or 3 or 10).  Then I have to take a look at what things look like at this moment and remind myself that they will not likely look like this at the end of the month.  It probably won't be as drastic as the April four years ago now, where I realized suddenly one day that maybe I should think about moving, and then not 2 months later moved out here to the mountains.  But while many things may stay the same, maybe some things will change.

By May 1st, hopefully tomorrow's forecast won't be for snow like it is right at this moment (though in the mountains, who really knows?)

By May 1st, the new paperwork system at work will be much more familiar and hopefully much less work than it is at this moment.

By May 1st, my coworker will be on maternity leave.  I'll miss her, but not the daily reminders. (And I am very happy for her.  She is very sweet, and I get the feeling that it might not have been the easiest to conceive this child, though we don't really talk much about outside of work things, so I don't know.)

By May 1st, Lent will be over and it will be the Easter season.

Only God knows what else may or may not happen by May 1st, but I love the idea of the possibilities.

Until then, I am going to thank God that despite my poor planning, my meals worked out perfectly this week, and I have had very little meal prep/dishes in the midst of the craziness from work.  I am going to make sure that I get enough down time and plenty of sleep so that I can hopefully deal with this horrible backlog of paperwork from the insanity of all the new evals plus the new system.  I made sure to get to spin class this morning and really push it.  Use the sweat to purge my system, I guess.  It helped. Finally, I'm going to soak in these words from evening prayer last night:

"I have heard your prayers and seen your tears. I will heal you." (2 Kings 20:5)

I am not going to use them to speculate about what God is going to do in my life. He has heard and seen and He will answer. It is enough.

10 comments:

  1. Sending lots of prayers your way - feeling the weight of these words and wishing I could give you a great big hug! Prayers for you, my friend.

    (PS I love the new header photo.)

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  2. I've been feeling very much this lately, talking with friends who are enjoying their third babies, or their new relationships, or planning their weddings. I'm so happy for them, of course, and wouldn't want to take away a single moment of their happiness, but...yeah. You know. I love that verse you included! I'm sure I've heard it before, but I don't really remember it. It really is perfect. Thanks for sharing it. (And for sharing your struggles. It's always nice to know there are others.) :)

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  3. Ugh... new paperwork systems! Aren't they all supposed to help eventually? I hope this one eventually does.

    Prayers for making it through these last few weeks with the constant reminders that your co-worker is providing!

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  4. Prayers!

    I love your "by May 1st" perspective. It's so true. I read once to repeat this as a prayer -- "This is not permanent. This is not permanent." Even in the worst of times, it really helps to remind myself that "This too shall pass." And in the meantime, we just have to offer up the crumby stuff.

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  5. Lots of prayers coming your way. Sometimes our crosses are hard to carry. Sometimes seeing someone else pg or getting married is just a painful reminder of the cross we have to carry at this time in our lives. We just got to keep praying that our future holds something better....right?

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  6. I'm praying for you. This is all soooooooo hard, and even harder to understand why, why why God is allowing these crosses to remain, when it seems other's lives just move forward.

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  7. Hugs.
    I know just what you mean.
    And geriatric pregnancy... Whee! For me, it's even more annoying when folks tell me I can still get pregnant, like Abraham and Sarah. Oh geeze. Just stop!

    A few years ago, I came across a blog post in which a woman facing her empty nest years explained how life is a.

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    1. circle. soon it will be her children's turn to have babies.... And it just made me ache, because my life is not circle. At best, it's a squiggly line. And perhaps, some roundabouts in those moments when I thought it might really be my turn.... And then... No... Not my turn

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