Saturday, April 26, 2014

Buh-Bye, April!

I know, it's not April 30th or May 1st yet, but I'm ready to move on. Also, I have less time to blog later in the week, so I'm going to go ahead and do this now.

I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough few weeks.  Even during Easter Vigil, my absolute favorite Mass of all time, I sat in the pew feeling like this:

Although fairy tales aren't technically true, you can't tell me there are no wicked witches living in that forest!
I can point to externals that have a lot to do with how my emotions have been going lately.  It makes sense, but it doesn't make the emotions go away.

At the beginning of the month, I wrote this post. In it, I had a few thoughts for May 1st, and here they are:

By May 1st, hopefully tomorrow's forecast won't be for snow like it is right at this moment (though in the mountains, who really knows?)

By May 1st, the new paperwork system at work will be much more familiar and hopefully much less work than it is at this moment.

By May 1st, my coworker will be on maternity leave.  I'll miss her, but not the daily reminders. (And I am very happy for her.  She is very sweet, and I get the feeling that it might not have been the easiest to conceive this child, though we don't really talk much about outside of work things, so I don't know.)

By May 1st, Lent will be over and it will be the Easter season.

Let's run through these, shall we?

1) Actually, I'm told there is snow in the forecast for tomorrow, and I saw some on the peaks today, but it's not technically May 1st tomorrow, so maybe that one's okay?

2) That is definitely true.  Thank goodness.

3) Friday was her first day off.  I miss her, and I doubt she's coming back (I think she'll stay home with the little guy.) No daily reminders, but also no sweet coworker.  And honestly some bitterness that she is living the dream I've had since before PT school.

4) At least liturgically speaking.

There's so much more about this month.  Other work stress.  The death of a computer. Some crazy loneliness. Y'all, you take away easy computer access for a couple of weeks, mix it with conflicting schedules for seeing my friends, add being too busy for other times with them, and I am going to go nuts.  I'm introverted for sure, but I get kind of weird when I have to spend that much time in my head. Finally, I think it's all the stress, but it brings up all of the emotions about everything missing in my life.

I can't change these emotions.  In sitting amid new light and the joy of Easter while feeling like that poor, dead forest there was not one thing that I could do to make myself be happy or have joy.  By the grace of God, though, I could rejoice.  I could rejoice that His death was not the end, and the death in my heart was not the end.  I could rejoice that the Easter liturgy had nothing to do with how I felt and everything to do with the reality that He is risen.  I could rejoice in the fact that He will still let me sit at the foot of the cross in the midst of the Easter season, because these two things are inextricably linked.

This month was not all bad, either. There were many things and many moments to delight in as well. The death of my computer made me keep work at work instead of trying to do it at home.  I needed that.  Plus, I was able to get a new computer, and I'm loving it. Also, I JUST started budgeting, and this decreased my stress a lot in the buying process, because I knew just what I had and what I could do. I have still been able to get out and do some lovely hikes, even if they've had to be solo.  I met some new people (hopefully soon I'll be able to do something with them).  I have a renewed appreciation for the blog world and being able to get back to it.

It has been a month to accept the pain while delighting in the good things in life.  They, like the Cross and Easter, are intertwined.  One can never fully drown out the other, not in this life. But BOTH are necessary.

I have no guesses for May.  Most of my weekends are already booked, so that will be interesting, and I think good (though challenging in spots).  I can tell you that right at this moment, I feel a little more like this than I do like the photo above:

Don't know what's waiting down there besides a fresh start, but it's enough.


  1. Oh wow, snow in the forecast again!!! Insanity. I feel for you and all that you're going through. I so appreciate your honesty and your willingness to accept all your emotions and not fight them. The pain of loneliness is perhaps the worst kind of pain there is. It is inspiring to see you find joy in the midst of this suffering. <3 Oh and I did try to open that link to your locked post from the email and it still didn't work! So strange.

  2. BEAUTIFUL photo of the road! With so many rough things happening this month, May has got to be a better month! Lots of new (and hopefully easier) things - budgeting, computer and work environment may be a very good thing! I hate budgeting, but I love to accomplish the saving part of it. :-)

  3. Hope that May is better for you!

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  5. Ugh. I didn't end up liking April much either. Glad to say goodbye to it. While I agree, there were still many great things that came out of it, it's time for something new. Hoping May brings all we've ever hoped for and more. Or at the very least, some very happy stuff. :)