I have this theory that I'm going through a growth spurt. I have been SO hungry the last few days and I keep eating a ridiculous amount of food and I don't think I've been full yet. Well, maybe once. For 5 minutes. Before I get all the comments about that I need to eat protein and fats and fiber, I do. Believe me, I do. If I wasn't eating those things, I would have chewed my arm off by now. Also, because I am eating a lot more protein, I have had a lot of hunger, but no particular low blood sugar incidents (an example of what happens when the sugar crashes). Anyway, since I am clearly not pregnant, I'm going with growth spurt. Yes! I've always wanted to be an inch or two taller!
But that has nothing with why I opened up ye olde blog today. I wanted to chat a little bit about this weekend, because it was one of those weekends. You know the kind. Where a pregnancy announcement from certain people or done in the "wrong"* way makes you want to find a hole to live in. Hell, forget pregnancy announcements, even offhand comments about marriage and parenthood with that "we're all in this together" attitude were enough to set me off this weekend. It hasn't been this bad in a while, but it was this weekend.
I don't know what it was. Hormones? Hunger? Emotions are such goofy things, who even knows. All I know is that it sucked. To compound things, my friends were all busy doing fun things... With other people. Plus the weather was bad enough for me to not go anywhere which left me alone with all these wonderful feelings. I didn't even have anyone to watch the Super Bowl with. I know a lot of people that didn't go to Super Bowl parties (and it was a boring game anyway... I watch it for the football, but there's not much to watch when only one team comes to play), so I don't know why I thought I needed a Super Bowl party, but I guess it just seemed to be a nice little exclamation point to feeling extra lonely and pathetic this weekend.
However, I am not writing merely to tell you how awful this weekend was. Surprisingly, even though it felt in many ways like many weekends that I have been through before that made me feel like I wasn't going to make it, it was also different. First off, I think it's the surrender. I think that accepting the feelings of pain, the feelings of being worn out from dealing with the same old crap for so long, made them somehow less overwhelming. Does that make sense? Instead of having the pain AND having this crazy fight with either the feeling of "my life isn't right, how am I going to fix it, or how is God going to fix it, or will He fix it, or is this just really it forever and ohmygoodness I can't stand it!" or the feeling of "I'm such a horrible follower of God because I can't accept and be okay with the way my life apparently is supposed to be for whatever reason." Instead, I could just say, "Ouch. Do with it what You will" and "Look at that. Pain that is normal and healthy given what you're going through." It didn't make the pain less, but it seemed to be a better context and it is less energy to accept it rather than to fight it. I've also played the game enough times to know that pain does not tend to last at quite that intensity for long, so it was easier to wait for it to subside, knowing that it soon would.
I know I repeat myself a lot, but if you don't really get surrender and how to apply it to your life and circumstances, I cannot give you a high enough recommendation of Fr. Philippe's Interior Freedom. I don't care what you are going through or what your state in life is, we all deal with SOMETHING that is too much to handle. This book applies across the board to whatever your state in life is and whatever your current struggle is.
Beyond that, I decided to choose thanksgiving this weekend as well. Yep, cliched as all get out, but it really does help. Again, sometimes you are not in a place where you can make that choice; don't sweat it. But if you can, even if it's really hard, do. It was amazing to realize how many things that I have to be thankful for, even while I'm struggling. Also, I got out and did a local hike. It wasn't my first, second or third choice, but it was far better than nothing, and the fresh air- even though it was cold- was really good. And when I was bored during the Super Bowl, I cut out for a while and went to Adoration. If you have it available, go for it.
In all, it was a tough weekend, but it wasn't a bad weekend. I know not all of these work for everyone; I would love to hear what works for you when you have days like that!
*"Wrong" being anything that hits particularly hard, and has nothing to do with the person announcing it, and everything to do with the fact that you're so sensitive, everything hits with the force of a Mack truck.