Thursday, February 6, 2014

I Guess It's Not Over Yet...

Dang, today.  Really?  Why do you have it out for me?  I'm pretty sure there wasn't even one external trigger, except those that I had complete control over and chose to introduce anyway.

I guess it's just because I didn't go climbing tonight, and my chances of doing things with friends are looking low again this weekend.  I want to get out and cross country ski.  I want to be so high on mountain air and endorphins that the Ache has to take its rightful spot in the freaking back seat again.

I think it's too much time alone.  Then the Ache like to come out and beat me down.  Not to worry, it won't last.  And while it is here, so be it.  It is a part of my life and a part that wears and breaks me down, but it is only if I let it keep me down that it is a real problem.

It is interesting to see what area of life the Ache will come to prey on this time.  It's always the same, and yet it often has a little different focus.  This time, the loneliness of being single is there, but it's not just that I am alone here in my house, it is that so many people my age are in a completely different place in life, and there is such a loneliness in being out in the cold while they are going through similar things.  My peer group and I went to kindergarten together, graduated high school together, went to college together, started out on this career thing together... and then they all got married and stared having kids, and suddenly the common ground of shared experiences is also gone.  Everyone commiserates together about the sleepless nights of having small children, or asks how to get through sleep or potty training, or what to do about discipline, etc.  Most days, it's not that I don't like hearing it, it's just that I don't have anything to contribute, and it is amazing how few people interact with you if they are in the midst of that and you are not.

That being said, I love being able to come to this little place on the internet.  I love coming over here and knowing that there are people that care. YOU care. Maybe you know exactly what I'm going through because you're going through something similar (I really wish you weren't, friend, I really wish the reason for your Ache would go away) or maybe your life is in a completely different place, but you are willing to come along side and walk with me anyway.  I so appreciate both the people who are in a similar place and the people that are in the midst of all the marriage and parenting but are willing to share a part of my life and let me share a part of theirs, even though our circumstances are different.

This oh so lovely post is brought to you by freakishly cold temperatures (not that I have any right to complain given the short duration of said temps), inability to go outside and play, too much time alone in my head the last week or so, and everyone's favorite hormones. I promise it will be better soon.  The forecast this weekend is for temperatures compatible with human life, I'll make myself go spin tomorrow instead of wallowing, and hormones do subside after a few days.

I think I'm done now. With the whining on the blog, I mean. For this episode.  Obviously I'm not done whining forever.  Actually, just writing it out made me feel a little better.  Blogging: Cheaper than therapy.


  1. I feel your pain. Even though we have different situations, I've often felt like there is no one like me- no one I could truly relate. It's an isolating feeling. Please know I'm praying for you and that you are not alone!!!! Love, Kim

  2. Hugs and prayers! I went through a long period of single waiting before my husband and I started dating; then after marriage, it seemed like we were still waiting to take the next step while he finished his degree and looked for a job, and now it still feels like we're waiting. It is so hard to be the one who is in a different place than those around you! Oddly, I almost do better with the time alone now, though my "alone" time involves 3 very bossy and snuggly cats. I hope you have a good weekend!

  3. Hugs and prayers! I get that 'don't fit' feeling.

  4. I can so relate to what you're saying! The loneliness of seemingly everyone else your age being at a different phase in life and not necessarily being annoyed by the constant parenting chatter but feeling like you have nothing to contribute and then feeling so along. I'm glad you're here in your corner of the internet sharing your struggles. By doing so, you're helping so many people find the words to describe their own pain. As always, beautiful and honest post. Hugs and prayers<3

  5. Want to run away to a place where it's warm? Not. kidding.

    I've been feeling this same way a lot lately, seeing the friends I have in totally different places in their lives than I am and just seeing the gap get bigger and bigger. It isn't easy my friend, it isn't easy.

    Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way!

  6. I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. I've been so busy that I'm trying to catch up on blogs....

    I will say some prayers for you!