My friends, thank you so much for praying for me, and thank you for sharing your stories and letting me know that I am NOT alone in all of this, no matter how much it feels like it sometimes. It really helped, and Friday was interesting. Externally, nothing big happened, but it was kind big in a way for me.
I woke up on Friday, and I was still kind of in a mood from Thursday night. When I rolled over, I realized that I had slept on my neck wrong and it was hurting, which was frustrating, and I immediately began thinking about what a long day it would be with my neck hurting while I tried to treat a full day of patients, and how things usually feel worse at the end of the day, so I had that to look forward to. Then I started thinking about how I had no plans for the weekend, and it was looking very much like I was going to have a second one of THOSE weekends in a row. Then I got on the scale as I do every morning, and it was up a good pound, which annoyed the snot out of me (not hard to do in those moods). I was in full crabbiness mode by this point and I was pretty sure the only thing to do about this stupid day while facing this stupid weekend was to get back in bed, skip my workout, and get up at the last possible minute in order to get to work.
But then grace happened. As much as there was a part of me that wanted to be in a bad mood and wanted to be justified to wallow for a while, there are two things that I've been trying to live by lately, and I started to evaluate my thoughts and feelings based on those two things.
The first is, when I get up, I think about how I can best live my story- that is, the life that I have in this moment, whether it's what I wanted or not- in this day. And I realized that I even though I didn't want the neck pain or the long day or longer weekend, it's not about what I wanted or didn't want, it's about what I'm going to do about it. And as much as I wanted to luxuriate in my mood for a while, I really didn't want my mood and my story for the day to be dictated by those things.
The other thing I remind myself daily is that life is not about what I can't do, it's about what I can do. In thinking about some of my moods in this last week, I realized that while circumstances and emotions played a big role, so did some physical things. Thursday, I didn't get to work out and wasn't able to spend time outside due to the cold. And there were hormones. And so forth. I couldn't do anything about those, but given that I know that physical things can affect emotions, I figured one thing that I could do was go to spin class no matter how much I didn't really want to, because I know how much it can help to get a good workout.
You know what I realized? There was an absurd amount of stuff that I was concerned about that hadn't happened yet. My neck pain was annoying, but it wasn't awful yet, and there are no guarantees that it would be bad by the end of the day. I also realized that it was Friday morning, and therefore it was not yet time to worry about Saturday. I could leave that in God's hands for Him to take care of. And that pound on the scale? That was nothing more than an excuse to be annoyed. It was within my goal range and is normal fluctuation when you are working on weight maintenance. That's why I have a five pound range and not a specific number that is my goal.
I'd like to tell you that my mood immediately improved, but it took me half way through spin class to get there. When I finished spin class, though, I was in a much better mood because I did it. The silly little circumstances didn't beat me. Do you want to know how the rest of the day and the weekend have gone so far? I'll tell you. I was able to get to Mass Friday morning, which I desperately needed both for myself and because there were some specific people that I wanted to pray for. I had several cancellations, so I was able to keep up on paperwork all day AND have time to do some self treatment on my neck. I felt a little better by the end of the day, not worse. Further, a friend that I thought would be out of town still was back in town, so we went for a much needed hike on Saturday, and it was BEAUTIFUL. It was an area that I haven't been in a while, so it was great to be there. Comments on posts from you guys and time with a friend on the trail have given some much needed perspective, so it hasn't been one of those weekends at all.
The thing is, God's grace is enough. That was my lesson for the day. (I should only need to rehash that lesson about a million more times from numerous different angles and I'll have it down.) We only have to get through one moment at a time and leave the rest to Him. Even if it had happened the way I was concerned that it would, His grace would have gotten me through those moments, too, as they came. Not before they came.
Umm, spin class was also a bit of a revelation to me that day. But is it too boring if I do yet another post rehashing similar themes? I'm not bored, but I don't want to bore you. Eh, I'll probably try to write it. After all, it's not like you have to read it if you are getting bored. There's nothing like a hard workout to help unlock the secrets of life. That or you're so oxygen deprived, you THINK you've discovered something big when it's really only the obvious that has surprised you once again.