Have you noticed, when there's some grief or pain or worry in your life that it tends to roll over like waves? Sometimes it creeps in slowly like the tide, the waves gradually becoming bigger and more overwhelming. Other times, there's a big wave that comes out of nowhere.
When I've been thinking about something a lot, I don't remember how much I've actually written here and how much is stuff I just thought about writing. In other words, I've been thinking about surrender a lot, and I know I've written some on here, but I don't know how much.
Whether there is surrender or not, it doesn't make the dreams and the desires go away. And it doesn't make the pain of a too quiet house go away. Nor does it fill the hole left when there's no one in particular to share the daily little moments of life. But before surrendering, I would stand on the shoreline with all my hopes and dreams and plans and everything that had attached itself to those and when the tide rolled in, there were times that it knocked me down and pulled me under. It's amazing what all that baggage can snag on when you're under the waves drowning. It's dark down there, and there were times where I was that person that was mad at God and had all but lost hope, and there was bitterness and depression and anxiousness about when or if things would ever turn around.
He's always there, even in the midst of that. There's a reason I didn't drown at the time and it's not because I'm so awesome. It's only because He pulled me out. Finally, by His grace, I was able to turn it over. He's holding on to the hopes and dreams and desires of my heart, though He gives no guarantees. He's slowly picking off and tossing the extra stuff that had attached itself, things like my plans and timelines, my idea of what is best for my life, even where I am overly attentive to me and me only. It's taking a while, because let's face it, I'm not very helpful.
The tide still rolls in, but I'm no longer holding all the stuff that drags me under. The waves still wash over me sometimes, but He's got me and they wash over me and back out to sea without pulling me into the depths.
At this point, my biggest question about surrender is, why in the heck did it take me so long to hand it over?