So, I've had an off week. I'm feeling burnt out about everything. For some reason I was extremely tired all week long, and I don't think I was sick, but maybe I was fighting something off. Anyway, work was annoying, including my coworkers that I generally like a lot. I didn't want to do any of my normal physical activities... And didn't do any of them. I let my housework go. Seriously, none of you are invited to my house right now. It's not you, it's that I don't want you to see the filth and get grossed out by me.
And the ache... Oh, the ache it is back with a vengeance. It's always there, but it had been at a nice low level for months until this last couple of weeks. Suddenly it's there in all its glory. Or whatever. That's not the best word for it, but what do I call it?
Today, sitting in church alone was practically unbearable. Worse was the idea that it would never change. I have been flipping through one show after another, playing endless games of Spider and trying occasionally to read. All in the attempt to ignore it until it subsides a bit (I would say "until it goes away" but I know better... It doesn't go away so much.)
I briefly had the thought, "Why me? Why does everyone else get to get married, and many of those have children, but I sit here year after year and watch those dreams slip farther and farther away? Why am I one of the few that has to be different?"
I can't even tell you one of the shows that I was watching today. It's too ridiculous. I was watching it thinking, "This show is so dumb, the premise is beyond silly, why am I even watching it? And enjoying it?" I still don't have the answer to that question, but I can tell you that the main character was questioning why she had to be such a freak. So her guardian angel (told you it was a goofy show) points to specific people and tells her about some of their various quirks and how those quirks helped them to be better people. She's all, "your point is...?" And he doesn't tell her how her quirks make her a better person or any of that. He just says, "Get over yourself."
Everyone gets burnt out. Everyone wonders what the point is in what they are doing with their lives. Everyone gets to the point that they just can't handle "it" anymore, whatever "it" happens to be in their lives. I am no different in that respect. I think sometimes we don't even need to know the point or to feel that there is a purpose to it all. I think sometimes we just have to try to push through it anyway, point or no. And I do think there is a purpose in the end, but it just isn't going to feel like it all the time. It's like that saying of Mother Theresa's (I think, too lazy to look it up, though) that we're not called to be successful, just faithful.
I am praying for other single people who feel that they will never find someone special, but keep on trying to date and meet people anyway. For those that are trying to conceive even though it's much more work and agony than it ever should be, but are trying anyway. And for those that have made the decision to let go of their dreams of children and are finding other ways of being faithful. For those wonderful mothers who just cleaned up a poopy diaper and now have a blow out to go deal with. And who can't tell their toddler again the same thing they just told them 16 times in a row but have to say it a 17th time anyway (and for those parents dealing with the same issue with their teenagers!) For those who have not found solace in church for weeks, months or even years, but keep going anyway. For those that can't keep praying a string of seemingly useless prayers for a loved one that has lost their way, but keep praying anyway. For those dealing with chronic pain who get out of bed every day anyway. For everyone that is burnt out and can't go any further, but takes one more step anyway.
It's not just me. Sometimes it's easy to tell myself that it is me, poor me, and no one else has to deal with that crap. But that's a lie, and sometimes God has to wake me up with a C-list actor playing a guardian angel on an absurd show.
(So, I would rather write a witty, amusing blog post about nothing, but all I got is sappy life lessons from watching too much TV. Peachy. I'm out.)