Monday, June 24, 2013

A Minor Existential Crisis

I've been looking back an recent blog posts...

Okay, that's a lie, I haven't been because I would find that too depressing.  There are a couple of posts that I liked, but not too many.  I find that I don't know what to write, exactly.  And what I do write, I don't love.  One was bad enough recently that I took it down out of frustration of not being able to express what I was trying to express. I think the blog is having a bit of an existential crisis in terms of what to say and where to go with it.

I find that part of the problem comes from a bit of an existential crisis of my own.  When I say that I am in a different place of being able to surrender and enjoy my life as it is, that is true.  As I heard it put recently, kicking against the truth (against what is) just gives you a bruised foot.  My toes are feeling better, thank you, but where does that leave me?  What can I do and what should I do to make the world a better place? This isn't some sort of cry for help or frustration.  I'm just truly looking for those answers.  Really, how do I get past my selfishness and live in this moment the best possible way that I can?

I got nothing.

I suppose that's part of the reason that I have nothing to write about and so settle for crap.  I have come up with and rejected several solutions.

1. Delete the blog.
        -Pro: Gets rid of a lot of embarrassing stuff.  I'm not talking about embarrassing things that I wish I hadn't told you about (frankly, I don't really care because I find embarrassing stories kind of fun to share and laugh at).  I'm talking about a lot of poorly written stuff and repetitive and boring stuff that possibly didn't even seem like a good idea at the time, but I just decided to blather on about it anyway.
        -Con: Gets rid of a lot of stuff that I really enjoyed writing and am glad to have written.

Pros and cons are moot in this case anyway.  There's no way I would delete the blog at this point in my life.  I'm too attached to having a place to go and people that are supportive, no matter what I'm spouting, even (and maybe especially) if the answer is to get over myself.

2. Delete some of the posts that I don't like.
    -Pro: See above.
    -Con: Way too lazy for that crap. Besides, it's hard to define what I don't like.  It depends on what mood I'm in.

3. Find a direction for this blog.
   -Pro: Gives me a certain focus to maybe generate some quality content.
   -Con: This blog really is an outlet for wherever my brain is headed at a given moment.  Forcing a focus could potentially kill the blog altogether.  And if focus didn't kill it, the pressure for quality content would!

I think that the only answer of what to do for the blog is the answer that is always true when I'm having blog issues.  Just freaking write some stuff.  I'm thinking for the month of July, I may have to try to write something three times per week and limit it to no more than one link up per week.

As to my whining yesterday, thanks for all the well wishes!  I do feel much better today, though my body is quite confused.  Because on the one hand, it's ridiculously hungry.  On the other hand, it's still protesting a touch at food. But overall, I feel SO much better.  I sort of contemplated going to work this morning because I was feeling better, but that's only because I hate calling in sick.  Also because the contrast between yesterday and today was so great, I was fooled into thinking that I was all better. As I slept in and napped and rested and drank fluids and started to catch up on eating, I realized that calling in was definitely the right thing to do and I'll be much better off when I go to work tomorrow.


  1. Oh no as I was reading this I thought you were going to delete the blog! I am so glad I was wrong! I like your random musings but I understand wanting to generate quality writing. Maybe start with a deep/serious/more academic post once a week? Idk, but I am glad you are not going to go away, your blog is one I look forward to :) I can totally relate to the wanting to know what you are suppose to be doing with your life and how to do it. I am in a similar place of looking for answers.

  2. 5 years!!! Five years of wonderful posts!! I'm very glad you're sticking around!

  3. Definitely do not delete blog!!! It's ok if every post is not deep and life changing. I've seen some great pictures you take, you could also share more pictures even if you're not on them. Just an idea. Like whenever you don't know what to write about.

  4. I agree with previous doesn't all have to be profound. I learned that the hard way. I wished I hadn't deleted my original blog...there are a couple of posts I wish I still had around.

  5. I'm working on creating substance, any substance, quality or not!

    But, definitely will not delete - and I am glad to hear you aren't, either :)

  6. Don't delete the blog or I will stalk you. Just kidding.. :)
    Seriously though, you are one of my favorite bloggers and always are keeping it real. Thank you for that!

  7. No no no to #1!! I like your blog just the way it is. :) Glad you're feeling better.

  8. LOL you sound like me! I have debated over what to do with my blog (even 'hiding' it for awhile) but I can't stay away.

  9. I enjoy reading your blog just as it is! Isn't it interesting how it evolves with you .... and after all your readers can choose to read or not. I choose to read and I enjoy the nuggets that get me thinking (and the stories that have me grinning or nodding my head as I recognize similar experiences.) :) And I'm glad you are feeling better.

  10. Um, how do I say this nicely: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE ARE YOU TO DELETE THIS BLOG! :) (see, the smiley makes it nice!)

    I, like Hebrews, like your blog just the way it is. It's real (though I'm not sure what this "bad" you speak of is) - and real is important. We live in a world/culture of lies and fakeness (why yes, that is a new word), that honesty and Truth is important...and beauty, and your photos, hiking stories are beautiful!!!