I've been looking back an recent blog posts...
Okay, that's a lie, I haven't been because I would find that too depressing. There are a couple of posts that I liked, but not too many. I find that I don't know what to write, exactly. And what I do write, I don't love. One was bad enough recently that I took it down out of frustration of not being able to express what I was trying to express. I think the blog is having a bit of an existential crisis in terms of what to say and where to go with it.
I find that part of the problem comes from a bit of an existential crisis of my own. When I say that I am in a different place of being able to surrender and enjoy my life as it is, that is true. As I heard it put recently, kicking against the truth (against what is) just gives you a bruised foot. My toes are feeling better, thank you, but where does that leave me? What can I do and what should I do to make the world a better place? This isn't some sort of cry for help or frustration. I'm just truly looking for those answers. Really, how do I get past my selfishness and live in this moment the best possible way that I can?
I got nothing.
I suppose that's part of the reason that I have nothing to write about and so settle for crap. I have come up with and rejected several solutions.
1. Delete the blog.
-Pro: Gets rid of a lot of embarrassing stuff. I'm not talking about embarrassing things that I wish I hadn't told you about (frankly, I don't really care because I find embarrassing stories kind of fun to share and laugh at). I'm talking about a lot of poorly written stuff and repetitive and boring stuff that possibly didn't even seem like a good idea at the time, but I just decided to blather on about it anyway.
-Con: Gets rid of a lot of stuff that I really enjoyed writing and am glad to have written.
Pros and cons are moot in this case anyway. There's no way I would delete the blog at this point in my life. I'm too attached to having a place to go and people that are supportive, no matter what I'm spouting, even (and maybe especially) if the answer is to get over myself.
2. Delete some of the posts that I don't like.
-Pro: See above.
-Con: Way too lazy for that crap. Besides, it's hard to define what I don't like. It depends on what mood I'm in.
3. Find a direction for this blog.
-Pro: Gives me a certain focus to maybe generate some quality content.
-Con: This blog really is an outlet for wherever my brain is headed at a given moment. Forcing a focus could potentially kill the blog altogether. And if focus didn't kill it, the pressure for quality content would!
I think that the only answer of what to do for the blog is the answer that is always true when I'm having blog issues. Just freaking write some stuff. I'm thinking for the month of July, I may have to try to write something three times per week and limit it to no more than one link up per week.
As to my whining yesterday, thanks for all the well wishes! I do feel much better today, though my body is quite confused. Because on the one hand, it's ridiculously hungry. On the other hand, it's still protesting a touch at food. But overall, I feel SO much better. I sort of contemplated going to work this morning because I was feeling better, but that's only because I hate calling in sick. Also because the contrast between yesterday and today was so great, I was fooled into thinking that I was all better. As I slept in and napped and rested and drank fluids and started to catch up on eating, I realized that calling in was definitely the right thing to do and I'll be much better off when I go to work tomorrow.