I think I am coming down with something. Not fatal, but extremely annoying, as many of the run-of-the-mill illnesses are that are currently going around. It took me a little while to recognize the symptoms, but I think I now have it accurately diagnosed. Not to worry, it is not contagious. Stupid PMS.
I was unreasonably annoyed about meeting up with the FCP this week. She's clear across town, and I get to pay $40 for a follow up so that she can ask me the same annoying and repetitive questions. Which is not fair of me to be annoyed with her, because she is doing an awesome job, and I have truly been getting a lot out of learning about this. I finally realized on the way there that it's not her, it's me. And the PMS. Ironically, I didn't really clue in to the PMS part of it until today. You know, even though we were talking about charting, and PMS symptoms, and looking at my chart that pointed to the fact that it should be soon. But, see, usually my PMS starts with one particular symptom, and that wasn't there, so I didn't pick up on the increased emotions and irritability. (Also because I can be a little too irritable anyway sometimes, so it's a little harder to separate my normal irritation from that slightly higher notch of things annoying me.)
I was trying to figure out why this week seemed particularly painful about being single and the whole deal. It's partly because I got to go visit a good friend last week, and it was awesome, and I got to see her kids, who are awesome, and it brings up the fact that I do not know if that will ever be for me. And also the PMS. (Although it was a little early at the time, but I can and do TOTALLY blame it for some of the lingering effects of thinking about all of that.)
I get to go to the baptism of another friend's little guy this weekend. Which I really want to do, and am so excited that I get to live close enough to go. But the thing is... It won't be easy. (Friend, if you happen to read this particular post, know that it's totally worth it and I wouldn't want to miss it for anything!) See, this friend and her sister (who will also be there with her family) have been friends of mine for over 20 years. We (that also includes my brother) went through all sorts of things together, like high school, driver's ed, college, etc. Not exactly at the same time, but close enough together to compare a lot of notes. And all of us were single longer than we wanted to be and we went through that together. But then my brother and both of these friends met someone and got married. More years went by, and now both my friends have multiple babies. My brother and his wife are struggling with subfertility and miscarriage, and I can't even get close to finding someone. My friends' parents will be there enjoying their grandkids, and I'll be wondering why the heck my parents aren't even allowed one grandchild here on earth, despite having 4 of us being of the appropriate age for marriage and family and all of us wanting just that. (If I get overdramatic, I blame the PMS. What's the point of having PMS if you can't blame it for E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.?)
Anyway, I wouldn't change one little thing for my friends, and I know it ain't all roses and kittens in their lives either. I think that on that day, I will likely be too busy enjoying these longtime friends to even be thinking these thoughts, but many of you know how these thoughts and feelings go, and there is no telling what direction they will run... It could be anywhere from completely neutral and being truly fine, to smiling outside and dying inside. I do think I will skip the Mass. For me, that is always where the feelings go all amuck. I can't keep my eyes away from my friends being parents or my thoughts away from all that I ever wished for and may never have. Luckily, the baptism is between Masses, so I can go to a different Mass and then the baptism, and then go over afterwards where there is talking and interaction instead of time alone with me in my head when I should be praying.
Whew! My apologies for the depressing-ness going on here. It usually isn't nearly as bad any more. Unfortunately, when it is bad, I do post about so it looks worse because all of those times are on here. But it's cheap therapy! And I blame you guys. If you weren't so doggone supportive and awesome, I'd probably keep a little quieter.
Thank goodness it's the Easter Octave, because I need some chocolate.