Friday, April 5, 2013

I'm Still So Clueless Sometimes...

I think I am coming down with something.  Not fatal, but extremely annoying, as many of the run-of-the-mill illnesses are that are currently going around.  It took me a little while to recognize the symptoms, but I think I now have it accurately diagnosed.  Not to worry, it is not contagious.  Stupid PMS.

I was unreasonably annoyed about meeting up with the FCP this week.  She's clear across town, and I get to pay $40 for a follow up so that she can ask me the same annoying and repetitive questions.  Which is not fair of me to be annoyed with her, because she is doing an awesome job, and I have truly been getting a lot out of learning about this.  I finally realized on the way there that it's not her, it's me.  And the PMS.  Ironically, I didn't really clue in to the PMS part of it until today.  You know, even though we were talking about charting, and PMS symptoms, and looking at my chart that pointed to the fact that it should be soon.  But, see, usually my PMS starts with one particular symptom, and that wasn't there, so I didn't pick up on the increased emotions and irritability.  (Also because I can be a little too irritable anyway sometimes, so it's a little harder to separate my normal irritation from that slightly higher notch of things annoying me.)

I was trying to figure out why this week seemed particularly painful about being single and the whole deal.  It's partly because I got to go visit a good friend last week, and it was awesome, and I got to see her kids, who are awesome, and it brings up the fact that I do not know if that will ever be for me.  And also the PMS.  (Although it was a little early at the time, but I can and do TOTALLY blame it for some of the lingering effects of thinking about all of that.)

I get to go to the baptism of another friend's little guy this weekend.  Which I really want to do, and am so excited that I get to live close enough to go.  But the thing is... It won't be easy.  (Friend, if you happen to read this particular post, know that it's totally worth it and I wouldn't want to miss it for anything!) See, this friend and her sister (who will also be there with her family) have been friends of mine for over 20 years.  We (that also includes my brother) went through all sorts of things together, like high school, driver's ed, college, etc.  Not exactly at the same time, but close enough together to compare a lot of notes.  And all of us were single longer than we wanted to be and we went through that together. But then my brother and both of these friends met someone and got married.  More years went by, and now both my friends have multiple babies.  My brother and his wife are struggling with subfertility and miscarriage, and I can't even get close to finding someone.  My friends' parents will be there enjoying their grandkids, and I'll be wondering why the heck my parents aren't even allowed one grandchild here on earth, despite having 4 of us being of the appropriate age for marriage and family and all of us wanting just that. (If I get overdramatic, I blame the PMS.  What's the point of having PMS if you can't blame it for E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.?)

Anyway, I wouldn't change one little thing for my friends, and I know it ain't all roses and kittens in their lives either.  I think that on that day, I will likely be too busy enjoying these longtime friends to even be thinking these thoughts, but many of you know how these thoughts and feelings go, and there is no telling what direction they will run... It could be anywhere from completely neutral and being truly fine, to smiling outside and dying inside.  I do think I will skip the Mass.  For me, that is always where the feelings go all amuck. I can't keep my eyes away from my friends being parents or my thoughts away from all that I ever wished for and may never have. Luckily, the baptism is between Masses, so I can go to a different Mass and then the baptism, and then go over afterwards where there is talking and interaction instead of time alone with me in my head when I should be praying.

Whew!  My apologies for the depressing-ness going on here.  It usually isn't nearly as bad any more.  Unfortunately, when it is bad, I do post about so it looks worse because all of those times are on here. But it's cheap therapy! And I blame you guys.  If you weren't so doggone supportive and awesome, I'd probably keep a little quieter.

Thank goodness it's the Easter Octave, because I need some chocolate.

12 comments:

  1. Ugh-those hormones mixed with already stressful situations!!! There have been so many times that I think about how I could maybe handle a situation better if it weren't for hormones making it so incredibly difficult! I'll say an extra prayer the baptism goes well.

    I've said this before but I have one of my best friends who desires so badly to be married with babies and whenever I talk with her about this and when I pray for her, I think of you and pray for you also!

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  2. Hey, don´t apologize, that´s what we´re here for!! Cheap therapy, lol!!! I love it!! I will be praying for you too :)

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  3. Oh, PMS and Aunt Flow are never welcome in our house but they come anyway! For me it was so good to finally pin point that it was PMS, so I didn't think I was a crazy mean person anymore. Can I tell you how your blog has made me so much more aware of the similarities between the plight of the subfertile and single?! I pray so much more for my single friends than I did before (you are included in that) and I sometimes relate better to my single friends who want to be married than my married friends. Anyway I agree you should have some chocolate :)

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  4. Oh PMS... sometimes I think it's my biggest roadblock to holiness.

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  5. I worry sometimes too, like it looks like things are all bad, all the time because that's what gets posted. Cheap therapy - I love it!

    PMS + stressful situations = not fair. I never cease to be amazed at how much IF and unwanted-singleness are similar, thought it does make sense - a desire of our heart, a call from God, unfulfilled. And friend, if I've learned nothing it is that it isn't a linear process of bad to better, but rather a back and forth of emotions, dependent sometimes entirely on hormones and the world around us.

    Sending extra prayers your way tonight!

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  6. Lol to Lucky's comment. You know, I struggle at Mass, too, especially during those family friendly Masses. For Easter, I found a small mission church to go to, where I knew it wouldn't be all young families...which was a delightful experience.

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  7. Friend! I miss you! I'm sorry I've been gone from your blog for along time! I'm praying for you and also your not crazy! You are so full of love that you want to share your heart with everyone! I love your heart & miss it.

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  8. I also have thought that why aren't my parents allowed one grandchild when they have children wanting to create grandchildren for them. Gosh darn Original Sin. :-( And PMS - whoa! Once I figure out that it is CD1 & THAT's why I was so mean & nasty those few days, I feel a little relieved.
    Know you have prayers coming your way! And I think it was super smart to just go to the ceremony. Mass stirs up emotions for me too.

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  9. I agree with Kat..I am much more aware of the similarities too! If there's one thing IF or single life does teach you, it's awareness of the struggles of those around you! I hope the Baptism went well. And definitely the feelings and crazy emotions of mine are always (well, most of the time) worse in the anticipation leading up to the event than the event itself. I can get so worked up in my head! I can relate to Mass being difficult too. I have seriously considered wearing water-proof mascara for Mass...and I hate the stuff! Such a pain. I digress. Praying for you friend!!

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  10. i agree with Kat - the plight of the subfertile and single are QUITE similar. And that said... ohmygosh can I relate to this post!! To be honest, my single years still get to me. The other day Dh and I were talking about what a crazy person I was when we were trying to conceive DS, and much of that was leftover frustration from waiting so long for marriage (and terrible PMS.. yes PMS really IS the cause of all our woes :)). I was just was worn out from trying.so.hard to have a family when so many folks trip and fall into it. Hope the baptism was still a joyful day and the PMS goes away asap!

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  11. I'm a little late in commenting, but I just wanted to let you know (as if you don't already!) that you're not alone! I've been having a rough week this week with the whole single thing (apparently spring and Easter makes for a lot of new engagements), and it's a comfort to know I'm not the only one feeling these feeeeeeelings.

    Just remember: You're awesome! (And everything bad CAN be blamed on PMS.) :)

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