This has been an odd Advent for me. Odd because I moved out here because my life was stuck, and so I started a new job, made new friends and got crazy involved with all kinds of outdoor adventures. And my life still continued to stay stuck in the one way that mattered most to me. That is, I'm still very single. So as great as all that stuff was, there have been some crazy painful times in the last few years.
Now, my job is mostly good, but there are some things that aren't quite perfect. (Though is any job?) Every so often there are reminders that as much as I love what I do, it's not what I would focus my life around if I had a choice. Right at the beginning of Advent, I was strongly reminded of that.
One of my closest friends out here moved away in August, and another friend that I did a ton of stuff with moved away in October. Another couple of friends are maybe moving soon, and another just tore her ACL, so I am running low on friends to play outside with. Then, just to top it all off, now I have something that is not quite right with my health (don't know how to explain it, I think I know what it is, but the dr. was no help- kiss that copay goodbye!) Anyway, in my situation it's not all that serious, but it has meant that I have to avoid exertion for a couple of weeks. So weird! Not only can I not hike, but I can't climb, I can't even go to a gym just to work out. It seems to be a lot better in the last couple of days, but I don't know how soon I can get back to my normal stuff, because the doctor couldn't tell me anything. Sorry, I know that's vague. Just roll with me on this. Every time I try to explain it in real life, people don't quite understand and it's just easier not to explain.
Now, we have Advent. The time of year that I want more than anything to have a family to share the season with, to create traditions together, to simply soak up the beauty of the season
If all this stuff happened all together, and it was just me dealing with this, I can tell you that I would be one hot mess and hating life right now.
So the really odd part is, I'm pretty mellow about it all. As always, the hardest part is not knowing when (or if) I will ever have a different scenario for the holiday season (sharing it with a family of my own). But I'm not worried about next season, or when, or if. Just now. Now I have a tree that makes me happy when it's lit up. I'm enjoying a month that's a little more laid back. I'm loving the Advent liturgical season. The fear and the pain are around and sometimes they pop up their ugly faces, but they don't stick around long.
It stinks to have friends leave, but they're where they're supposed to be right now. I miss them, but it's okay. My job is a job, and like everything else it won't be forever, so I just need to focus on the many good parts for right now. As for the not being able to be active, it's been a little tough, but surprisingly easy to say "whatever". I know many people that have it worse and things going on longer. I'm just excited to have some extra time to read my new books, and this weekend of not being able to hike led to me going to an absolutely fascinating museum exhibit (that sounds so nerdy, but it was awesome). Those of you around here (you know who you are), let me know if you like that kind of stuff and I'll email you the info. A little pricey, but SO worth it if you can make it happen (if you like history). Also, I would actually go again, so let me know if you head that way, maybe we can join up! I can honestly say that I am very okay with not hiking this weekend. I'm hoping I can start again soon, but sometimes something different is okay, too.
Anyway, I'm hanging out in the whatever. It's a nice place to be. I can't stay here if I think at all about how much I want my situation to change (because I still really, really want that), but as long as I let go and live in the "whatever" for right now, rather than the "what if" of the unknown future, it's been okay. I know how quickly that can change, so I'm enjoying this for however long it sticks around.
I know that it's not always possible to choose surrender and to say "whatever" to God (in a good, respectful way!) I know that there are times, especially in this season, that it's all you can do to get through the day, breathe in and out, and hopefully get the essentials taken care of before going back to bed. If that is you right now, know that I am praying for you.
I don't really know the point of this post, but thank you so much to my prayer buddy for your prayers, and for all the many people who pray for me! And to my prayer buddy, I am praying for you and offering up the weirdness and uncertainty for your intentions.
Oh, yeah, and go sign up for the calendar giveaway! (If you want, I mean.)