Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Why I Didn't Tell You

Sometimes I feel guilty, because I have discovered some wonderful things, things that the whole world should know.

But I didn't tell you.

I want you to know that this God that you are indifferent to or despise or are afraid of... He is not speaking to you in the hate and the fear.  That is not Him you are hearing.  All that you are and all that you aspire to and all that is true and good and beautiful, that is where His voice is calling you.

I want you to know that when I disagree with some of your life choices, it's not because you are bad, or even because all things about those choices are bad.  It's because you are so good that I only want what's best for you.

I haven't told you any of these things, though.  Not one.

I sat silently through your statements, though I greatly disagreed.

I agreed with some things where I could, though I was afraid that you would take that to mean that I agreed with all that you said.

And though you know many things about me, you do not understand what underlies and drives those things for me, because I haven't told you.

I haven't told you because I don't know how. I do not have the words. I have not figured out your language.

It is like we are speaking such different dialects that what I mean to say translates to something completely different for you.  And so I do not say anything.  I try to listen.  I try to grasp hold of any words that we seem to share in common, or even that have common roots, so that someday I may be able to build these words into sentences that you will actually understand. You may still not agree with me, but I hope at least then you will be able to understand what I am saying.

I also haven't told you anything, because I do not think that you have the ears to hear.  You are not ready.  It seems like it would be spreading seeds on dry ground before the frost.  The time has to be right. The soil has to be prepared.

I didn't tell you, because I felt that I could love you better by listening rather than speaking. I wanted to be there and respect you where you were, and not change you. The timing was not right.

I could be wrong, and I will never get over the guilt if the time was right, and I was too spineless to open my mouth. But I can't live in the what if's, and I can only pray that my intentions are brought to fruition in your life, even if my actions were not perfect.

Clearly, all of this assumes that I am right in certain areas, and so I can see how you may find this condescending and patronizing and in all other ways contemptible. Here's the thing.  When I listen to you, I hear you speak truth.  Perhaps it's a little mixed up in places, but it's clearly there.

Maybe someday, I can finally try to tell you.  And I hope that when you hear me, you will hear truth. I have no doubt that it's mixed up in places, but I hope that it's just as present.

And maybe if we can hear the truth of each other's words, and realize that though we disagree, we are searching for and fighting for good, then maybe we will be able to work together for the good that we are both trying to accomplish. Maybe then we can stop this endless fighting against each other that gets us nowhere and instead move forward together.

4 comments:

  1. okay- this is brilliant. The part about speaking a different dialect- I get that so very much. I am surrounded by people who are just like the person you mention in this piece. I figure the Holy Spirit will give me the words when they are right. You put into words my thoughts. Thank you- very powerful.

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  2. This is beautiful and awesome and all things good :).

    Thank-you for sharing it!

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