I used to think I could see the future. I have felt the call, and understood to some degree what that would entail. I am called to be a wife and mother. To serve those that I love the most in ways that would challenge my selfishness. I would change the world, one diaper at a time. I would learn to witness to the world with sex that was sacred, and belonged to the context of marriage. I would be witness within marriage that marriage is not just a piece of paper, but a beautiful gift of hard work. In fact, the work would be so hard that it would be a cross, but I would help show that it was worth it. I could be active in little ways to help my family get to heaven.
When it didn't happen right away, that was okay. I could see how the moments were growing and shaping me to be an even better wife and mother. It was okay that I would not be among the first of my friends to marry. My turn would come. My crystal ball was clear. Besides, I'm a good Christian and know that God will not give us more than we can handle, and His plan is best in the end.
I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my crystal ball is broken.
His plan, that I thought I could see so well, is a complete blur. I question why. I question when. I question where it is leading, and what it is. I don't know.
I thought that He would not give me more than I could handle, but He did, and I broke.
Funny thing is, I think I like the broken me better than what I was before.
Instead of challenging my selfishness through marriage, I live single life, which is somewhat inherently selfish in that my world kind of revolves around me.
But it has also challenged me to learn that life is not all about me, and having everything work out how I think is best or needed.
I thought I was called to actively serve my family and help them on the way to heaven.
But maybe I am called to serve more passively by waiting and suffering, and help those that I meet along the way; perhaps people that I wouldn't have met otherwise.
I thought I was called to redeem sex in living it with my husband.
But maybe I'm helping to redeem it by saving it and keeping it sacred.
I could go on, but the gist is that my crystal ball never worked as well as I thought it did, and now it is smashed beyond repair. I do not know what will happen next, but whatever.
I'm just thinking that when life happens in ways that it shouldn't, in ways that it hurts, and frustrates, frightens, He is still there.