Sunday, September 9, 2012

My Crystal Ball

I used to think I could see the future. I have felt the call, and understood to some degree what that would entail. I am called to be a wife and mother. To serve those that I love the most in ways that would challenge my selfishness. I would change the world, one diaper at a time. I would learn to witness to the world with sex that was sacred, and belonged to the context of marriage.  I would be witness within marriage that marriage is not just a piece of paper, but a beautiful gift of hard work. In fact, the work would be so hard that it would be a cross, but I would help show that it was worth it. I could be active in little ways to help my family get to heaven.

When it didn't happen right away, that was okay.  I could see how the moments were growing and shaping me to be an even better wife and mother. It was okay that I would not be among the first of my friends to marry. My turn would come. My crystal ball was clear. Besides, I'm a good Christian and know that God will not give us more than we can handle, and His plan is best in the end.

I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my crystal ball is broken.

His plan, that I thought I could see so well, is a complete blur. I question why.  I question when. I question where it is leading, and what it is. I don't know.

I thought that He would not give me more than I could handle, but He did, and I broke.

Funny thing is, I think I like the broken me better than what I was before.

Instead of challenging my selfishness through marriage, I live single life, which is somewhat inherently selfish in that my world kind of revolves around me.

But it has also challenged me to learn that life is not all about me, and having everything work out how I think is best or needed.

I thought I was called to actively serve my family and help them on the way to heaven.

But maybe I am called to serve more passively by waiting and suffering, and help those that I meet along the way; perhaps people that I wouldn't have met otherwise.

I thought I was called to redeem sex in living it with my husband.

But maybe I'm helping to redeem it by saving it and keeping it sacred.

I could go on, but the gist is that my crystal ball never worked as well as I thought it did, and now it is smashed beyond repair.  I do not know what will happen next, but whatever.

I'm just thinking that when life happens in ways that it shouldn't, in ways that it hurts, and frustrates, frightens, He is still there.

12 comments:

  1. Thank you for this. And you ARE a great witness, even if it's not quite in the way you initially imagined it would be.

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  2. Yes. He is.
    And you bless Him by being so honest with Him and yourself. I have found that so many times in my life when I've felt the 'hurts, frustrates, and frightens' taking hold, it doesn't necessarily mean that the call has significantly changed. It many times just means that I'm supposed to do the whole "let go and let God" thing. That He just wants my TOTAL "yes" before we can move on. I pray that this is maybe one of those moments where surrendering to Him once again brings you closer to that call.

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  3. Everything you said. Made me tear up b/c it was like you took the words right out of my mouth. Please keep writing!

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  4. Beautiful post. I feel your pain and share your sentiments. (And thank you for the link!)

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  5. A beautiful post from someone with a beautiful soul!

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  6. Darn that broken crystal ball. I wish God's plans made sense.

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  7. You have so much in this post. I am so busy right now, but that is good in a way because I am putting on my recording of evening prayer, which includes this bit - your post made me think of it:

    *****
    Lord, You have always marked
    the road for the coming day;
    and though it may be hidden,
    today I believe.

    Lord, You have always lightened
    this darkness of mine;
    and though the night is here,
    today I believe.

    Lord, You have always spoken
    when time was ripe;
    and though you be silent now,
    today I believe.

    *****
    It is so hard to just be still and 'be.'

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    Replies
    1. That is so beautiful; I love it! Thanks for sharing!

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  8. I really needed to hear this! My chrystal ball has been broken, too, and it is so hard to keep going sometimes when you are not even sure what direction you are heading. Thanks for helping show this direction!

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  9. I've been looking at my broken up ball for 10 years now. I love this analogy. Thank you for sharing. Your right, the beauty is that He's right next to us looking at the broken ball.

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