I have a confession.
I still don't want to be single.
I've been trying to write a lot of posts that focus on a lot of different things, because I don't want to focus on that. I'm bored of that, even if all you readers are gracious about it. But all the posts about all these varieties of topics get stuck somewhere in the middle, and I'm not sure that how to finish them, and then I find myself back at the same old place.
Honestly, it's not one of those really hard times when I'm all angst-y and teenager-y and my-life-is-awful kind of times. It's at one of those times in the journey where it's not as painful, it's just a drag. I feel pretty good about a lot of things, and I can even get on fb most days with very few consequences (I know that sounds lame, but I know a lot of you know exactly what I mean). It's just not what I really want.
My job is pretty great. Even if some of my friends are moving, there are still plenty around. I have a new church that I think I'm going to like, even if I'm having a bit of a hard time getting involved. I love my little cottage. I love all the activities to do.
It's just not enough.
I feel that God has been throwing a lot of great blessings my way. And, because I like to be honest with Him- even if it does make me the most ungrateful person on the planet- I tell Him thanks, and that's really awesome, but it's not enough.
St. Anthony and I are in a fight. Actually, it's one sided and I'm fighting with him, and he's much more mature and saintly and whatnot. I mean, he can help me find a jury summons that I've left lying in the middle of the road, and moose up close to the road at a time of day that you're not likely to spot wildlife. And there was even that time in the city where I was trying to find this one particular shopping center. It was kind of a needle in a haystack, and I hadn't been there in over a year and I forgot to look up which road I needed to get there. So, in a very annoyed, huffy, sarcastic tone, I started to say "Well, St. Anthony, since this is not very important, you think maybe you could help me find this store?" But I stopped in the middle because my attitude was so bad that even I felt ashamed, and I decided I would just look for any old store that I could browse through while I killed some time. Wouldn't you know that I drove right to the shopping center that I was trying for? The point is, he can help me find all kinds of crazy things if they are not the one person that I am looking for the most.
It kind of reminds me of backpacking this weekend (I would love to discuss that more; that's one of the many posts I've tried to write). Anyway, backpacking requires a heavier pack than I am accustomed to. It's honestly not as bad as it could be, but when the sun was hot and I was on my way uphill, I kept wanting the hike to be over. The load felt ridiculous. The breaks were nice, but we kept having to pick the packs back up later.
Anyway, I guess that is all. I feel like this life that I'm leading would be great if only it were enough. I've tried to be satisfied and make it enough, but I can't seem to manage it. I really do wish I were more grateful for all the great things in life, and content with what I have. I even feel like there's somehow a meaning and a reason for it all. I'm just dragging a bit is all.