Thursday, August 30, 2012

One of Those Posts

I have a confession.

I still don't want to be single.

I've been trying to write a lot of posts that focus on a lot of different things, because I don't want to focus on that. I'm bored of that, even if all you readers are gracious about it. But all the posts about all these varieties of topics get stuck somewhere in the middle, and I'm not sure that how to finish them, and then I find myself back at the same old place.

Honestly, it's not one of those really hard times when I'm all angst-y and teenager-y and my-life-is-awful kind of times. It's at one of those times in the journey where it's not as painful, it's just a drag. I feel pretty good about a lot of things, and I can even get on fb most days with very few consequences (I know that sounds lame, but I know a lot of you know exactly what I mean). It's just not what I really want.

My job is pretty great. Even if some of my friends are moving, there are still plenty around. I have a new church that I think I'm going to like, even if I'm having a bit of a hard time getting involved. I love my little cottage. I love all the activities to do.

It's just not enough.

I feel that God has been throwing a lot of great blessings my way. And, because I like to be honest with Him- even if it does make me the most ungrateful person on the planet- I tell Him thanks, and that's really awesome, but it's not enough.

St. Anthony and I are in a fight. Actually, it's one sided and I'm fighting with him, and he's much more mature and saintly and whatnot. I mean, he can help me find a jury summons that I've left lying in the middle of the road, and moose up close to the road at a time of day that you're not likely to spot wildlife. And there was even that time in the city where I was trying to find this one particular shopping center. It was kind of a needle in a haystack, and I hadn't been there in over a year and I forgot to look up which road I needed to get there.  So, in a very annoyed, huffy, sarcastic tone, I started to say "Well, St. Anthony, since this is not very important, you think maybe you could help me find this store?" But I stopped in the middle because my attitude was so bad that even I felt ashamed, and I decided I would just look for any old store that I could browse through while I killed some time. Wouldn't you know that I drove right to the shopping center that I was trying for?  The point is, he can help me find all kinds of crazy things if they are not the one person that I am looking for the most.

It kind of reminds me of backpacking this weekend (I would love to discuss that more; that's one of the many posts I've tried to write). Anyway, backpacking requires a heavier pack than I am accustomed to. It's honestly not as bad as it could be, but when the sun was hot and I was on my way uphill, I kept wanting the hike to be over.  The load felt ridiculous. The breaks were nice, but we kept having to pick the packs back up later.

Anyway, I guess that is all. I feel like this life that I'm leading would be great if only it were enough. I've tried to be satisfied and make it enough, but I can't seem to manage it.  I really do wish I were more grateful for all the great things in life, and content with what I have. I even feel like there's somehow a meaning and a reason for it all. I'm just dragging a bit is all.

11 comments:

  1. Sorry you are dragging. :( Keeping you in my prayers!

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  2. That St. Anthony. You can't pin him down!

    Seriously, though, I'm going to be praying hard for you.

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  3. Sometimes the best posts are the ones that bore you.

    I think you have to find some way to convince St. Anthony that you "lost" your husband. Then he'll be right on it. ;-)

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  4. St Anthony is special to me too. It is hard to keep picking up the pack and trudging forward - even though the breaks are wonderful. I hope you will soon have company on your walk. (hug)

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  5. I'm not going to say I know exactly how you feel, because I don't, but I'm definitely right there with you on this. Right down to my mini-arguments with St. Anthony. It really does feel like there's something missing, like even though things might be good right now, there's supposed to be more, there's supposed to be something else. You're in my prayers!

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  6. You have such a special bond with St. Anthony. I know he's lining up the perfect "meet" with you and your future DH.
    I know what you mean about being unsatisfied by all the blessings ... there is something missing ... but it is OK to be honest with God about it. It took me awhile for that to sink in in my mind, that I could be angry or frustrated and it was ok.
    Keeping you in prayer!

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  7. It's so nice to know I'm not the only one who gets sarcastic with the saints or God. Perhaps there is special section in purgatory for us sarcastic-types? I'll need a friend there!

    On a more serious note, I totally know what you mean about being unsatisified with the blessings. I see them, I appreciate them, and yet...

    You are in my prayers daily friend!

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  8. I so understand and struggle with this.

    It isn't enough for me and I'm afraid it never will be.

    And, hoping for something that probably isn't going to happen hurts too much, almost as much as watching Him give it to everyone around me. So...what's left? Hoping that if this sad, little life is it---it will be a short, sad, little life? How awful.

    --C

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  9. Yeah.. I'll see you and Rebecca in purgatory! I'm dealing with this same dissatisfaction. I love that you were able to express it far more eloquently than the posts I'm turning over in my head!

    I'm realizing that I don't trust God in this department. I mean, I really believe God loves me and wants great things for me - but we are in a standoff in the marriage department and I'm sure he's laughing at the fact that I'm so PO'd --- and that I really don't know what to do about it. Particularly because there is nothing I CAN do... I'm not the one in control and that makes me extra PO'd!

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  10. Hang in there, friend. Easy for me to say I know. But I am really going to ramp up my prayers for you. I hope your story starts to really unfold soon, I truly do.

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