From just before I wrote this post to weeks after, things have been pretty mellow for the most part. I've learned to love mellow and go with it. I can't always choose it, but I can embrace it while it lasts. There were times that it was pretty easy to say "whatever". Even in the midst of watching a plume of smoke from my doorstep, I was able to say it and mean it.
But in the last couple of weeks, it's gotten harder again. At first I couldn't figure it out, but now I know. I'm just a couple weeks away from my birthday. I'll have fun on the day, but in the weeks leading up to a birthday, I start to stress out, because I'm a year older and there is absolutely no change in my situation. I have very few single friends anymore, and most of my married friends have children. Not only that, but there are so many pregnancies, that I have stopped counting. I am keeping track of people that are married and not pregnant or just had a baby. Much easier that way. For the most part, I have been able to rejoice in the pregnancies, but the nagging feeling that my turn may never come has come out in full force with that lovely looming specter of another birthday and the stupid ticking clock.
I really do try. I try to get out and meet people. I've tried speed dating (with such spectacularly bad results that it was humorous). I've tried the online thing on a couple of different sites. Apparently I can't even do that right, because whatever I'm saying or not saying, it does not seem to attract any attention whatsoever.
But lest I get too stuck on the Angsty McAngsterton side of things, it's still good. It really is. There are so many people in my life that are willing to share the ups and the downs of what is going on in my life, as well as what is going on in theirs. That's what gets me through, you know. Your prayers for me, and the prayers that I get to pray for you. That's it. I'm going to try not to worry about tomorrow or the next 2 weeks, and I'll be praying.