I have a confession to make. I have been obsessively watching Grey's Anatomy recently. I know, I know. I'm way behind the curve. I didn't watch it when it came out seven or eight years ago, and I realize it's been over for a couple of years now. Is it kind of trashy? Well, heck, yes. That's kind of the point and kind of what they built the show around.
One of the things about the show that fascinates and frustrates me is the completely messed up view of reality and relationships that is exhibited by the characters. Obviously it is purposely taking things to the extreme, so it has to be taken with a heaping spoonful of salt, but it is interesting to see how these relationships are defined and what is going on with some of them. I, of course, spent a fair amount of time on my high horse, because clearly I could point out the numerous things that they were doing wrong in their relationships that I would never do. Like if you say you're trying to make your marriage work, but you go through the motions perfunctorily while you constantly obsess over someone else, you aren't really trying. Quit trying to fool yourself that you are!
But then I realized something. I am doing the same thing right now. Just like this ridiculous (and fake!) character went through the correct motions of doing the right thing, but let himself be constantly distracted, I do the same thing with God. I do the things I should do, but I allow myself to be distracted. I allow other things to have a greater priority than they should. I allow other concerns to step between me and my Beloved.
I have been thinking recently about Jen's question of the antagonist in my life story. At first I couldn't figure out who the antagonist could possibly be, but now I think that it is my own plan that may be the antagonist. If I am called to marriage, God can make that happen in His time, but my frustration and anger and confusion and hurt can get in the way of my relationship with Him, because I want it to be now. I want to be done waiting.
I admit, I tend to get a little passive aggressive with God. You don't want to help me out? Fine. I'll go do other things instead. I'll put my time in the mountains at the top of the list of things to do. The problem is that I am angry with God for not being the means to the end of marriage and family. But God should never be the means. He is the end. Marriage and family should be a means to Him; and if that is not the circumstance of my life right now, then anything in my life should lead to Him.
The good news is, God is much more forgiving than any of the characters in any show. Today, as it is Divine Mercy Sunday, there was adoration and confession in one of the churches, so I went to that. I'm also going to look into a couple of other things that might help me get more involved in the Catholic community to help me get better grounded.
Anyway, the point of my rambling is that the things that I am doing are not bad things, but I am letting them get slightly out of kilter as to what comes first. It doesn't work, and I feel the effects of it in my relationship with God. But He is merciful and He is waiting.