Friday, March 2, 2012

A Mixture of Feelings

I feel odd and unsettled tonight.  Maybe I just need to go to bed. And I will soon, but I have to wait until at least 8.  I won't go to sleep that early, but then I can go to bed a read for a while until I'm actually ready to sleep.

So far this winter (at least the part after Christmas) has really been fun.  Lots of really fun stuff to do and really fun people to do it with.  It has been too long since I've laughed until I've run out of breath, but when you're drunk on endorphins and the outdoors, it's hard for it not to happen, especially when someone's floundering helplessly in the snow.  (Hey, that someone is me sometimes, I'm not just rudely laughing at others.)

I don't think so much about being single when I'm out hiking and climbing and skiing.  Those are times to simply be in the moment, and I love it. However, different things grab me at different times. I never know what it's going to be.  When two close friends told me they were pregnant in the last couple of months, I was only happy.  Do you know what a blessing it is to only feel happy with an announcement like that?  I really want to be happy for everyone, but I never know how the emotions will fall. I was happy for them, but the announcement of the recent birth of my cousin's baby was hard to hear. I hate that!  The birth of a child is such a beautiful thing, I hate when there's anything other than joy. But it is what it is.  Sometimes I hear someone's pregnant, or someone a decade younger than me is getting married, and it doesn't bother me.  Other times it does. I never know.

Or sometimes it can be the most random things. My mom is absolutely baffled by the fact that I don't have so much as a table to eat from.

Mom: "Well, what do you use for a table then?"
Me: "Nothing."
Mom: "Don't you have at least a breakfast bar or something?"
Me (getting a little irritated): "No."
Mom: "Well, [a friend of hers] is adding a bar in their remodel so they'll have seating for everyone."

At this point, I have no idea what to say to her.  It's such a random and mundane scrap of conversation, but it breaks my heart because there is no "everyone" that I have to worry about seating.

Blast! I hate being that pathetic!

On the other hand, when I do eat meals with other people, it's often a sandwich on the side of (or top of) the mountain, sometimes while sitting in a snowbank.  Do you know how comfortable the snow is to sit in?  It's quite nice, actually.  Not to mention that anything tastes good there, even if it's just a pb sandwich (not even pb&j, because I never have any j on hand).

I guess that leads to the mixture in feelings.  On the one hand, I feel like my life is awesome and fun.  On the other hand, it can get a little pathetic at times.  On one hand, I never, ever planned on being single and still renting and still not quite feeling like an adult at my age.  On the other hand, I also never thought I'd be a person that skis or climbs or goes out in places where you check road, weather and avalanche conditions before you go out, either, and I love that part of the equation. It leaves me feeling odd and unsettled.

You know, as I sit here, I feel that maybe the most unsettled of all is how I feel about my relationship with God in this moment.  It just feels distant right now.  It's not that mighty struggle that sometimes happens, or that amazing closeness.  I don't think it's Him.  I think it's me.  I'm not sure what to do about it.  I keep praying and reading the Bible and going to Mass, but I don't feel that I'm all there sometimes.  Maybe that's what it's really all about.

Well, there you have my messy stream of consciousness in writing.  That's just sort of how this day has been and parts of this week have been.  I don't really expect my momentary melancholy to last long, though.  I think a little sleep and some more time outside tomorrow will really help me out (though my companions for this week are not NEARLY as fun as the ones I was with last week).  Also, good food.  I have a wicked craving for some mac'n'cheese that the natural food store sells with smoked gouda cheese. The nice thing about cross country skiing tomorrow? I can go pick some up and not think about the calories tomorrow night!

Okay, it's after 8. My bed is calling and I'm going to answer. (Why is the call of the bed so much easier to answer than the call of the alarm clock? Hmm, maybe because the bed invites, and the alarm clock demands. As a tip, if you demand anything of me, I'm likely to say no.  It's just how I roll.)


  1. I can really relate to what you say about not knowing what your first reaction will be to 'news' - I was surprised by the announcement of my younger half-cousin's 4th pregnancy - I thought she was done. She is lovely, her hubs and children are great, so why is my first feeling a sinking in the pit of my stomach? We see each other very rarely, the communication was in a Christmas card! For me there is an element of wistfulness, an 'I wish that dream could have come true for me too.' On the other hand, a friend I am close to will deliver her 4th child any day now. And I am happy, excited to hear how things will go. Doesn't make sense.

    Just a thought re: prayer life, closeness to God, and how much time you are in nature right now - ever looked into some of the Celtic ways of prayer? It is very connected to nature, and I find it very beautiful. Here is one I have prayed with before:

    Glorious Lord, I give You greeting!
    Let the church and the chapel praise You,
    Let the chapel and the church praise You.
    Let the plain and the hillside praise You,
    Let the world's three well-springs praise You,
    Two above wind and one above land,
    Let the dark and the daylight praise You.
    Abraham, founder of faith, praised You:
    Let the life everlasting praise You,
    Let the birds and honeybees praise You,
    Let the shorn stems and the shoots praise You,
    Both Aaron and Moses praised You:
    Let the male and female praise You,
    Let the seven days and the stars praise You,
    Let the air and the ether praise You,
    Let the books and the letters praise You,
    Let the fish in the swift streams praise You,
    Let the thought and the action praise You,
    Let the sand-grains and earth-clods praise You,
    Let all the good that's performed praise You,
    And I shall praise You, Lord of Glory:
    Glorious Lord, I give You greeting!

  2. I struggle with these things too, though for a different reason, I know, so I pray my comments don't seem insensitive. We have a room in our house that had an empty dresser in it until just a month or so ago when I finally decided that clothes on the floor made no sense when there was an unused dresser. (The dresser was my godmothers and then mine as a child and I hope for it to be our baby's some day.) That room is barely decorated because I want it to be a nursery...and yet, it is our spare room, so when company comes they get a bed in a bare room basically.

    This living in the middle, living the life we have been given and enjoying all of it's gifts while feeling called to another life is so hard. Harder than I ever expected.

    Prayers that you are shopping for a table very soon!

  3. Everybody struggles with their relationship with God. If they tell you differently, they aren't telling the truth. I think that's what makes us closer with Him and more rooted in our faith.
    Hang in there!

  4. Often the dryness comes before (or in the middle of) a hard lesson that you don't even know you're learning.