Friday, January 20, 2012

Dear Husband

This is a rerun from a couple of years ago. (A couple years?! Have I really been blogging that long??) It speaks to what I am thinking and feeling tonight, so I thought I would repost with a few minor updates.

Dear Husband,

Are you out there?  Do you exist?  I am trying to be patient (I am!), but it's not easy for me.

What are you doing tonight? Busy night with friends? Work?  Do you like to crash on the couch and watch TV?  What do you like to watch?

Are you older, younger, tall, short? Shy or extroverted? What do you do for a living?  Most of all, who are you?  What makes you tick?  What makes you passionate?  What makes you angry?  What are your quirks?

Waiting for you has been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do in my life.  Every day when I wake up, I hope that this will be the day that we finally meet, that the waiting will finally be over.  I've heard people say that when you're ready it will happen (and no, I haven't punched any of them in the face, no matter how badly I wanted to).  I am ready, I can tell you that with confidence.  But you know, it is possible to be ready for Christmas early, too, with all the presents wrapped, cookies baked and decorations done.  You can be ready by December 18th (though if you're a typical guy, you probably usually aren't), but Christmas still doesn't come until the 25th.  Sometimes, ready or not, you still have to wait.

I'm actually really glad that I had to wait for you.  Not always.  Some days I see the blessings, and some days I can't stand it.  But in the end, I'm glad that I have had this time.

I'm glad I had a chance to discover the part of me that was an outdoor nut, waiting to come out.  I'm glad I got a chance to learn that in skiing and rock climbing (and life!) a fall is a sign of progress. I'm glad I got to discover the joy of creativity in writing and photography. (They may be in small ways, but they enrich my life.) I'm glad I've gotten a chance to have deep friendships that have allowed me to learn how amazing it can be to be open and vulnerable before someone and have them love me all the more- not less- for it.  I'm glad that I've had a chance to come to a whole different understanding of what it is to be a woman, and to begin to see love as a gift of self.  I'm also very glad that I have had to find God in deeper and deeper ways over the last couple of years.  I'm glad that I had to learn in a whole new way that He is enough, that He is the source of my true worth, and that He is worthy of my trust.  Believe me, these lessons that He has taught me have made me ready for you in ways that I didn't know that I needed.

I still need you, though.  God has created this hole in my heart, this place just for you.  I am probably one of the most blessed people on this planet.  He has given me amazing family and friends, a job that I love and plenty of interests to fill my time.  But my life isn't completely full even with all of this.  You're still missing.  I can't wait to share it all with you, and to have you share your life with me.

I hope.  I hope that you are out there and that we will meet soon.  I hope that we will enjoy time spent together, either alone or with family and friends.  I hope that we will have as many children as God as planned for us (whether that number is big or small) and that we will be faithful to bring them up in Him.  I hope that our marriage will be a light for those that are struggling in the darkness.  I hope that our love will spill out to the rest of the world and make it a better place because we are together.  I hope that you are a little goofy.  I hope that growing closer to each other will make us grow closer to God.  I hope that our conversations can range from deep to nonsensical.  I hope that we laugh a lot together, even if no one else thinks we're funny.  I hope that you will stick around long enough to get to know me, even though it sometimes takes a little while to get through my outer shell.  I hope that I will give you a chance, because I sometimes don't like people the first time I meet them, just because I don't know them yet. I hope you like my cooking (and I can cook, even though right now most of my meals come prepackaged from the freezer).

And when I say that I hope, I don't mean that I wish really hard that it could be so.  I hope with trustful confidence that God has a plan.  It doesn't mean that I know what will happen (who can know the mind of God), but I hope.

I think that you will be different than what I picture, just because I think that reality rarely meets exactly the picture in our mind.  I think that's most likely because my imagination is too limited to capture the essence of who you are.  I don't know what it will be like to know you, but I think that it will be better than what I imagine.  Not better in a fluffy clouds and rainbows kind of a way, but rather because reality, with all its ups and downs, attributes and imperfections beats ephemeral fluffy clouds and rainbows any day.

Anyway, just wanted you to know tonight that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. 


  1. I. love. this. I've started writing letters to our {future} children and it is so healing.

    You and your future DH are in my prayers tonight.

    Love the new header!

  2. I traveled for my job this week with a wonderful person who is also in search of her future husband. She was having a rough week and fortunately we were both able to open up about our struggles on waiting for our family to grow. Infertility and being single have so much in common as I am sure you already know. I pray that your wait is not much longer. You and your future DH will have a wonderful story to tell someday!

  3. This is beautiful. I understand how hard it is to wait... In my case, God said, "You're going to get married." And that was 5 1/2 years ago. Granted, I was very NOT ready for it then... but I have wondered ever since how that's going to come to fruition... and it gets very frustrating to wait... especially when you already love your DH so much without knowing who he is yet. In any case, I appreciate your letter. I love how you put the waiting- that you can still be ready on the 18th, but nevertheless have to wait for Christmas. I'd never thought of it that way :) Thank you. I can also say that your DH is blessed to already be so loved. I pray that the wait not be too much longer, or painful... and that the love only to continue to grow.

  4. This is such a beautiful letter!!!!! As I read it, I remembered back to when I was single and remember the longing I had too. Your future DH is such a lucky man ... to be prayed for and treasured long before he arrives in your life.
    I pray for you to meet your DH soon.

  5. I love you friend! Im sorry! And im praying! (Like i always do!) You are thee strongest most Beautiful woman i know! Each day that i have known you i love you even more! Im so jealous of the woman you have become because i know as time goes you are going to be even more amazing!!! An amazing wife and amazing mom! Love love love you in a creepy way friend! And miss you!

  6. Someday SOON he's going to read this and be like, "That's me! It's Christmas now, baby!" :)

    You are awesome.

  7. This is so beautiful! So much of this is exactly what I want to say to my future husband. Thank you for the reminder of what hope really is. :)