Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Waiting and Expectation

The season of Advent.  The season of waiting and expectation.

Ouch.

That's all I have to say about that.

I am really, really, really, really tired of waiting and expectation.

I am tired of carrying the weight of emptiness.

I am tired of watching everyone else move down paths I cannot follow.

I am tired of having so much to offer and no one to offer it to.

The fire of this desire for the fulfillment of my vocation seems like it's about to burn me out.

I asked Him why He wouldn't fix it, why, if for the love of all that's holy, if He wasn't going to fix it, could He not at least make it easier; let the fire burn out, let there be another purpose and direction in my life instead.  I asked Him why He wasn't helping.

But if He wasn't here, I wouldn't be either.

Lord, do not reprove me in your anger;
punish me not, in your rage.
Have mercy on me, Lord, I have no strength;
Lord, heal me, my body is racked;
my soul is racked with pain.

But you, O Lord... how long?
Return, Lord, rescue my soul.
Save me in you merciful love;
for in death no one remembers you;
from the grave, who can give you praise?

I am exhausted with my groaning;
every night I drench my pillow with tears;
I bedew my bed with weeping.
My eye wastes away with grief;
I have grown old surrounded by my foes.

Leave me, all you who do evil;
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord will accept my prayer.
All my foes will retire in confusion,
foiled and suddenly confounded.

4 comments:

  1. Hugs and prayers. I just said something so similar to a friend last night...if He isn't going to give me children, can I please go back to not wanting them? Please?
    This waiting is so hard, so so hard.

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  2. Waiting to get to the person you so desire is one of THE hardest parts of life. Your psalm is beautiful. I'm so glad you are taking it to Him.
    I'm also begging God on your behalf to end your waiting soon.

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  3. Hugs. And I'm praying for you, too, that it won't be much longer!

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