Saturday, September 24, 2011

In Which I Hope

There is no particular reason for this hope.  It is the same hope that I have had over and over, but that never comes to fruition.  The hope that maybe today will be different and I will meet Someone Special.

There are no "signs" that make me hope any differently today versus the other days.  It's just that I thought about it and I choose hope.  You see, a lot of times I choose realism.  I choose this sort of cautious "hope", but with the understanding that probably nothing will happen, so that I don't get too crushed when it doesn't happen.  I am always afraid that one of these days I will not be strong enough to deal with unfulfilled hope, and so I don't allow myself hope at all, or maybe only just a little bit.

You know why I think today is different? Here's a hint: it has nothing to do with what may or may not happen today.  It has everything to do with what has happened and will continue to happen whether today is the same as every other day, or if it is the start of something completely different for my life.  It is because of all you who have hoped and prayed with me and for me.  It is my family, my friends, my prayer buddies past and present, and all of you reading this.

Your prayers and your hope have made me realize that not only can I hope, but I can survive hope lost and live to hope again.  I can embrace it and love it because hope is awesome, and lost hope is simply an opportunity to feel deeply and live fully and pray for someone else.

It's funny.  Being single and all that has gone along with that is not something I have enjoyed (I will not link all the posts to prove that because A-don't have the time, and B-once was more than enough for some of those posts), however, there is very little I regret looking back on it.  I do not regret the times that I was angry, sad, hurt, or messy.  I do not regret the ways that it has made me wrestle with God and grow closer to Him, even when some of that growing was when He felt the farthest away.  I do not regret the times that my only recourse seemed to be going to Mass... whether because I received comfort there, or whether because even though I felt nothing, I knew it was the only place I could go to see me though.

There are only two things that I regret.  One is all of the times where I became very self-absorbed in the midst of all of it.  And even then, I'm glad to know how small and messy I am, so that I can know that when I am not being small, it's because of grace and not because of how amazing I am.  (Because left to myself, I'm whiny and sometimes bitter and self-absorbed and impatient, and oh, yeah, I'm still taunting my sisters- but that last one is unrelated to singleness. That's just me.)

The other thing that I regret is not allowing myself to hope more often.  Or stuffing it down to more reasonable levels should it peek its little eyeballs out from the recesses to which I banish it for safe keeping.  Hope is not for the faint of heart.  It is a truly scary prospect.  Without you, I am not strong enough for hope.  Whatever else may be out there, I can probably pull up my big girl pants and pretend like I can do it by myself.  Not with hope, though.  I really can't do that one alone.

Today, though, because of you and your prayers, I can and do choose hope.

Because of the God who loves us, I can and do choose hope.

Hope, not for what will happen, but what could happen, and because of what has already happened.

There is no reason today should be any different.  I will not be hiding out in my apartment all day, so it is reasonable to assume that I will be running into people, but that happens most days, and so far that has not been enough to change my singleness.  I am the same person as always, the one that has a hard time getting to know new people, and definitely have the potential to be highly awkward (whether with new acquaintances or old.)  However, when I try a hike that I am unable to complete for some reason, I have never regretted trying, regardless of how I feel about not finishing.  And I'm thinking that if today is no different than the rest, I will not regret hoping.

My Beloved and I, today our dance will be a dance of hope, whatever may come.


7 comments:

  1. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: there is somebody out there for you, somebody who shares your interests. You just haven't crossed paths yet. Having never lived on my own, I envy you and the freedom you have. I'm sure it gets lonely, but enjoy it!

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  2. You have such a beautiful way with words!

    This post makes me very, very happy. :)

    --Casey

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  3. "Hope is not for the faint of heart" Oh how I love this. Beautiful!

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  4. What a great reminder...hope truly is not for the faint of heart, but for the courageous.

    Incidentally, I have training for my job and immediately I thought it would be in Denver (our headquarters is near there) and I thought for sure we would be able to meet up. I almost emailed you preemptively. Turns out its in Portland instead. Maybe another time!

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  5. I love this! Yay for Hope, and the courage to have Hope!

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