Sunday, August 7, 2011

My blogging lately has seemed to follow a very distinct pattern.

Write.
Delete.
Write.
Delete.

Rinse and repeat.

Nothing in life feels quite right, and consequently nothing I write seems quite right.  I schedule something to publish, but then I go back and delete it before publishes.

I miss that feeling where things just feel right.  The feeling of being where you should be, doing what you should do.  I miss the feeling of having a place in the world that's meaningful.  It doesn't mean that things are easy.  Two years ago, I definitely had the feeling of being where I should be.  It was a hard year in a lot of ways, but I had a purpose.

Now? Not so much.

I don't know how to fix it and make things "right" again.  In thinking about where I live and where I work, those seem to be good.  I try to go to Mass, try to make it to confession.  That doesn't seem to make much of a difference.  My efforts to get involved with various things have not all worked out the best, but I have tried.

The only way I can think to describe it is that it's a little like this bug that I caught this last week.  One day I felt pretty bad, but now I just feel a little "off".  I don't feel dizzy, exactly, but I also won't be climbing up on any chairs right at the moment.  I don't feel bad, exactly, but then neither do I feel good.  That is the state of my life for the last 10 months.  I can only hope it will change sooner rather than later.