Monday, June 20, 2011

Now What?

Having never felt so completely abandoned by God before, I didn't quite know what to do.  I don't quite know how to describe the feeling.  It wasn't so much pain, it was more confusion.  I was seeking, but I could not find Him.  I was asking, but no answer was to be had.  Have you ever read the book, "Ten Prayers God Always Answers"? I thought that I was praying those kinds of prayers, but no answer seemed to be forthcoming.  Never had my faith felt so precarious, and I didn't know where that left us.  If He was so far away, I didn't know how to follow Him anymore.  This felt like less emotional turmoil and more like an intellectual question.  If He's not there, then how do I follow?

Lots of questions, but not many answers.  Until one day it came down to one question:

Where does this leave our relationship?

Now that is one question that I could answer, and didn't really have to contemplate long.

He is my Beloved, and I am His.

The thinking ran something like this: Even if He has left me, I can't live without Him.  Even if I were suddenly to get everything I ever wanted, the husband, the children, the home, the purpose in life, it would all be meaningless without Him.  Somehow, in a way that I cannot begin to explain, it is still better to be in this strange limbo life with Him doing who knows what, than without Him.

Those are my thoughts.  In reality, they are proof that though He continues to feel far away, He has never left.  I could never come to such a decision (and certainly not so easily) if He had really left.  

As far as the thought that He gives us more than we can handle? He does.  He really, really does give us more than we can handle.  Don't kid yourself, He will break you.  But He will also heal you.  In some ways, it feels that He has yet to answer my prayers.  In others, I can see that He has answered, but I am only now beginning to be able to see it.


  1. "He will break you".
    This is so true. And that "you" will not be the same "you" by the end of it. I think that's what I was trying to get at too.

  2. Oh yes, 'He will break you.' And he will give us more than we can handle. I remember the first time someone said that to me I was all like 'no way!' And then, I saw or heard this as a follow up: He'll give us more than we can handle, so that we turn to HIM. That is certainly true in my life.

    Praying for you.

  3. I love this post. I think the time of my life when I was furthest away from God...I didn't even know it, so it was kind of a blessing that I didn't. But I like what you say here about how He does give you more than you can handle. Of course He does. It makes perfect sense to me now.

    Prayers for you.

  4. Amazing post, thank you so much for sharing this time in your faith journey

  5. I feel this way too friend! Sending players! Send them this way too! P.S. I miss you!

  6. Mother Theresa spoke of her later years being a time when she was tested in faith, where she didn't feel Jesus with her, even though He was. And I love your perspective on this...even if He has left, I can't live without Him.