I give up, trying to figure Him out. It always was an impossible task anyway. His ways are bigger than ours, His thoughts above ours, all of that.
I'm done with all the cliches.
God's timing is perfect.
He has a plan for your life.
Or, my personal favorite:
God will never give you more than you can handle.
I'm not sure that I can put much stock in those first sayings, and the last one is just a load of bull. The first ones assume sort of a calvinistic approach to life in that God is carefully orchestrating everything. Personally, since we have free will, I'm not sure how much of that is true. I believe that nothing can happen without Him allowing it to happen, but I'm not sure that He purposely makes it a part of His plan. If everything is part of His direct action, then He is responsible for the earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, etc. Not only that, but it is somehow His direct will for all the murders, rapes and other sins to occur as well. So I don't buy that everything that happens is directly the cause of His will.
If He is responsible for everything, then He not only allowed, but purposely made it so that I would be single so long that something inside would go numb and die. And that is why the last of those statements is such a load of crap. Now, mind you, I have a lot less to deal with than a lot of people. Don't think that I'm not counting my blessings. But I'm also a lot weaker than some, so this particular thing is too much for me, and has been for several years. Those have been some long, long years, y'all.
If He didn't allow us more than we could handle, He could have kept that from happening. Much of me is the same as it ever was. Part of me is twisted up, shriveled, and possibly past saving. I don't want to be the bitter single person, but a part of me is. Hope at some point becomes something of a four letter word. When it is crushed so many times, you begin to think that you'd be better off without it. The phrase that "hope springs eternal" is all too true. I wish it would stop springing.
I was a happy single person once. I didn't necessarily want to be single, but I was all for making the most of my time and living life to the fullest in that moment. Even when it started to become very, very difficult, there was still good in it. There was still purpose to it. And now, there's not.
There is something that you need to understand. I have felt a very strong call to marriage. I have felt like that is where my true purpose lies. I have asked for God to bring that to fulfillment more times than I can count, but I have also asked that if that is not His will, to bring about whatever His will is. Instead, nothing. He has left me alone, and I can't find Him. I understand that He is not my personal genie, and that He is not going to make some man appear out of nowhere just because I ask. I understand that His will might not be "marriage" or "not marriage" but rather that I just wait in this limbo. That is what it is. But why did He leave? Why did He let the numbness take over? It's true that the pain's not as bad, but at least pain means there's life. The worst is that the good stuff is not that terribly exciting either.
And there you have it. Sometimes God does give you more than you can handle. At least, in my opinion He does.
***Disclaimer #1: It is so hard to write about one aspect of your thoughts in a post like this. In fact, this is how I've been feeling for months, and sometimes I write something about it, but I often find myself avoiding the topic because then I just come off as depressed and depressing. I'm really not depressed, there are a lot of wonderful things in my life. And this is certainly not an intellectual or theological discussion. This is about one part of my feelings that are currently going on. If I only write about the fun climbing and stuff, then you all can just think about how lucky I am to be single and have a little disposable income. True, it has its perks. On the other hand, spiritually, this is what I'm wrestling with right now. I know I'm not the only one that has to struggle with figuring out where God is and where this leaves us as people living life and trying to fulfill a call.