Listening to the Gospel this weekend was interesting. I felt that I could identify in some way with most of the people in it. In a small way, I know a little of some of the suffering (I can't handle when He's alone in the garden); but I have also been the one that falls asleep in the garden when I have been needed. I have been Simon offering a helping hand, and I have been the one that wants to help, but instead cuts off an ear. I have been Pilate, knowing what I should do, but ignoring it anyway.
I was thinking of each of these as we went through, but there were two that struck me the most. One was Judas, and the other was Peter. I have been Judas and Peter as well. But with these two, there is a distinct difference, and I hope that while I may start off as Judas sometimes, I will always finish like Peter. As the priest said in his homily, "You think you fail? So did everyone in the Gospel. You are not special." I do fail, but look what happens after the failing. Judas, in horror at his failing, despaired and hung himself. Peter, horrified by his denial of Christ, wept in remorse, and was forgiven.
I have failed a whole lot in my observance of Lent. Worse than that, I've really been struggling with following God at all, and not resenting Him (not because of Lent, before that). Many Lents, I feel that I have some small offering, unworthy though it may be. This Lent I have nothing to offer but my sin, my weakness, my failure. But that is not the part that really makes a difference. The part that matters is do I offer that to Him with my repentance, or do I despair and give up?
I choose to follow Peter.
One other thing that I really liked about the priest's homily is that he said, "We have to realize that our lives are not about us." Ahh, yes. So true, and if I can remember that, I think some of this resentment will fade.
And so my prayer is the prayer of the Stations that we used from St. Alphonsus Ligouri (the whopping one time that I actually went to Stations this whole Lent):
Grant that I may love You always. Then do with me as You will.