Friday, December 3, 2010

Weekend Again

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but weekends and I are on shaky ground right now.  It's been a while since I've needed a weekend as bad as I do this one, but now I'm not sure that I want it.

Weekends and I are very much in a love-hate relationship right now.  I wouldn't last if I always worked, but I'm not sure if this is worth it anymore.  Weekends have been bad off and on for a long time (there's one in 2008 that I will never forget- as pathetic as that is to admit).  For most of the time I think I would block out the fact that there is a significant portion of weekends that sucks.  Not the whole thing.  I often have something planned that is fun.  I enjoy the sleeping in part and the getting away from work part.  I enjoy spending time with friends or getting a chance to hike.  That's the love part of the relationship.

The hate part is the unrelenting loneliness of the weekends.  At least at my job, there is some kind of meaning and purpose to my life.  I often get to help people get better.  It's rewarding and challenging and there are people to talk to. At night, I have enough time to wind down, but then it's bed time.  I can go to bed and get up to another day.

On the weekends, time with friends or talking to family on the phone is an activity that pushes things back for a while, but it always comes back.  This Friday, I would love to curl up on the couch with my significant other and watch a movie... but I don't have a significant other. (I guess I don't have a couch, either, but that would be a much easier fix.)  I love hiking on the weekends, but it's not as fun when you're not with someone.  Not to mention that it can be a little unnerving at times.  And I'm really tired of going to church by myself.

These things are not good, but the worst part is the way that I get inside my own head and everything magnifies and intensifies.  The fear that it will never change.  All the things that I have surely done wrong or that are wrong with me that make me the only person on the planet that can't seem to find a mate (yes, a horrible and stupid exaggeration, but welcome to my weekend). I'm also scared that I'll find someone, but it won't be in time (why, hello, Biological Clock, when did you start ticking?)

I have a confession.  As much as I have been mostly loving Advent (especially when I am not so tired), I am scared spitless by the idea of Christmas.  The holidays are like the weekends on steroids!  Like weekends, they have very good parts to them (and I'm looking forward to a fun time on Christmas that will include a ginger bread house and- hopefully- will not include wood glue!)  But no matter how awesome my time is with friends or family, there is a hole in my heart that they cannot fill.

I feel like I should have a better handle on it.  If I could control my thoughts better and not focus on the negativity, then the weekend probably wouldn't be so negative.  But do you know how ridiculously hard it is to do that in the moment?  I never doubt that God has a plan for me.  I frequently doubt that it will be the one I want.  But if it is not His plan for me to be married, then I really wish He would help me figure out some greater meaning and purpose to my life.  I do believe that I am called to marriage, so I feel completely unfulfilled at the moment.  And I have to question, is that God's calling, or my desire?

Okay, that's enough.  More than enough. Sorry to drop into Eeyore mode on you.  I think I'd better go to bed. Sleep will not hurt my mood, and maybe tomorrow I can find the strength to refocus my thoughts.

3 comments:

  1. Thank God for sleep. And for honesty. You have my prayers.

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  2. I can definitely relate. I think the challenge is trying to find a balance between contentment with the season of singleness and longing for this vocation of marriage that God is calling you to. God put this desire on your heart so I think it is very normal to feel unfulfilled with being single if you are being called to marriage!

    Also, one of my friends just recommended a book to me called Lady in Waiting ("Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right")- so I would like to pass the rec. along to you, too. :-)

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  3. I just wanted to let you know that I've been praying for you since you wrote it on Friday. I read it on my phone and this is the first time I've been able to get caught up on a computer since.

    I know how hard it is to be this genuine so openly, and you have my admiration and prayers.

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