Monday, November 15, 2010

It was supposed to be so easy.

Grow up, graduate from high school, go to college, meet someone, get married and start the cycle all over again with kids of my own.

For whatever reason, that doesn't seem to be working out for me.

My mom once asked if I was being too picky.  Well, Mom, it's not like I'm beating men away with a stick.  I don't have certain qualifications for looks, height, amount of money that he makes or anything like that.  It is true that I'm looking for a nice guy that is willing to put God first.  If that's being too picky, then I'll be too picky, even if it means dying an old maid.

Since college, I was excited about the day that I would meet "The One".  To be honest, I'm glad I didn't meet him right away.  I'm glad that I was forced to get out of my box and learn how to go meet people even when it wasn't easy.  I'm glad that I had a chance to grow in my faith at a time when I could really focus on just that.  I'm glad that I had a chance to learn what Theology of the Body was all about.  I'm glad I had a chance to learn to open up to friends and be vulnerable with them, even though it sometimes meant getting a little hurt.  I'm glad that God chose to heal a deep seated question about my true worth before I got married.

You see, that was one of the problems that I had for a long time with being single.  I was desperate to meet a guy, because I needed the world to know that I was truly worth marrying.  I needed to know that I was worth that.  But what kind of a burden is that to put on a man?  My worth comes from God, and He was the One that convinced me of that.  Now if I get married, he won't have to keep trying to convince me of my worth.

But now?  I was thinking that I just wanted this pain to stop one way or the other.  Either that I would FINALLY meet someone, or that I would not desire it so much.  Instead, the pain just keeps getting worse.

I hate writing about it here sometimes.  I feel like such a whiner.  I know that I am not alone in my pain.  I know that other people also have plenty of pain in their lives, some more, some less.  I know that sometimes I can't see what other people are going through because I am too focused on myself.  That's not who I like to be.  And it's not what I like to show here (even though there is plenty of complaining in the archives), but it's a big part of my life right now.

I now miss the days when I was single, and didn't really want to be, but it was still a lot of fun.

God is faithful, and He has been in every moment of this journey, even though I am often not faithful to Him.  Though I don't particularly like this journey I have learned a couple of things that I am glad to know.

I have had a personal relationship with God for a long time, but it is not until the last few years, in the midst of this, that He has become my Beloved.  A lot of that happened in being completely honest with Him.  Crying out to Him that I was hurting, and He could change it, so why wouldn't He?  Telling Him that I was angry with Him for not changing it, that I couldn't see where He was going with it, and that I couldn't do it anymore.  But then, if you tell Him that you want Him to be there and a part of your life, even when you're still mad, He will be there.  He'll be there through all of it.  He often doesn't make the pain stop, but He'll be there.  It takes so much pressure off knowing that I don't have to have all the feelings sorted out.  He's big enough for my questions, my pain, my anger, but if I still want Him there, He is.  If I feel I can't trust Him anymore, but tell Him that I want Him to help me with that, He will.  He does.  Always.

I have also learned that sometimes just getting through the day is enough.  The days that it's really bad and I can't do much about it, it's okay.  If I can't shower (that doesn't happen often) or the place is a mess (okay, that happens kind of a lot), I try not to beat myself up over it.  Sometimes, it's all you can do just to make it from one moment to the next.

Another thing.  I love the liturgy, both the Mass and the liturgy of the hours.  I love that when I don't have the words, there are words there for me.  I love that the Mass is living out the Scriptures, and I wouldn't make it through without the Eucharist.  I can't even imagine my life without that.  And I love praying the Scriptures in the liturgy of the hours.  So worth it.  And I have to say, it is in the moments that the pain is the worst that God touches me the most in the Mass.

Also, I don't think that I do a very good job of it, but I love that when there is pain, it can become prayer. It can have a purpose.  I love that with Paul, we have the opportunity to "make up what is lacking" in Christ's sacrifice through our suffering (Col. 1:24).

Some days (especially on evenings and/or weekends) it is awfully easy for me to feel hopeless, but there are a lot of things that I am thankful for about this time.

It still can't be over fast enough.

(I can't do comments today, even though you all can be so wonderfully encouraging.  Prayers all always appreciated, and they do help, so thanks so much!)