Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Am Thankful for...

It may be cliche this time of year, but there are so many things to be thankful for that I thought I should write some out.  So here are some of the things that I am thankful for, in no particular order.

1) For a great week of getting to see family and friends.
2) For baby smiles and the laughter of small children.
3) For my 16 year old sister who got confirmed last week and who is in love with her faith.
4) For my goofy little brother.
5) For a fantastic job with a fun group of coworkers.
6) For mostly good traveling weather; the ice in Missouri didn't get too bad.

7) For a mother who loves me, even though I can be a pain sometimes.
8) For the liturgy (both Mass and Liturgy of the Hours); and especially right now the way that it celebrates Advent, then Christmas and the Christmas season. 
9) For a God that deals in extravagant beauty, even if it will only last a few minutes and not everyone will see it.  (These are the clouds at sunrise one morning last week.)

10) For one last day of Thanksgiving vacation; and that this day will be spent at home being lazy.  I even got my unpacking done last night right when I got home so that it would be more relaxing. (Usually it takes me a week to get everything put away.) 

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and safe travels to wherever you're going.  I also hope your weather forecast is better than ours. :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Precocious Much?

My sister recently met a two year old that has an intense interest in reptiles, sea creatures and dinosaurs.  She shared some great quotes, but my favorite is (while looking for a favorite toy):

"Where's my squishy pwedatowy iguana?"

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Walking and Texting (A Theory)

We all know that driving and texting is horribly distracting and is as likely to cause an accident as drunk driving.  I have a theory that walking and texting could also be a little disastrous.  Maybe not people dying disastrous (unless you're walking on the edge of a cliff or crossing a road), but problematic nonetheless.

Now I cannot stress enough that this is a theory.

Absolutely, totally, completely hypothetical.

For example:

What if you were texting people while you tried to iron out details of an upcoming visit. You'd be distracted by working out the specifics, right?  So you might not notice when you return to your apartment that you only went up one flight of stairs instead of two.

Now, texting is so distracting that you might not even think about how weird it is that your key doesn't turn in your lock, and if you really weren't thinking you might automatically reach for the doorknob and try to open the door.

In fact, if it weren't for the fact that that apartment has stairs where yours has a hallway, you might have walked into a stranger's apartment.  That's how far the texting distraction can take you. In any case, at whatever point you come out of this texting daze, you will realize that the high heeled, loud, slippery boots you are wearing are not ideal for the quick and quiet fleeing of the scene that you will now have to undertake.


That's my theory anyway.

I guess we'll never know for sure unless someone decides to test out this theory. Me?  I think walking and texting is too dangerous.  I would never do such a thing.


Monday, November 15, 2010

A Spoonerism

I'm a huge fan of spoonerisms, named after William Archibald Spooner.  Apparently, there are very few substantiated slips of the tongue, but he is accredited with saying lots of things, like:

"It is now kisstomary to cuss the bride."

"The Lord is a shoving leopard."

This weekend, I went with some friends to a Scott Hahn lecture, and he shared a fantastic spoonerism by an abbot.  Apparently, this abbot was the main celebrant at a Mass in a basilica.  We're talking packed house and bishops and cardinals con-celebrating.

At the end of Mass, he said, "This ass is mended, let us go in peace."

So much truth in the slip of a tongue sometimes.
It was supposed to be so easy.

Grow up, graduate from high school, go to college, meet someone, get married and start the cycle all over again with kids of my own.

For whatever reason, that doesn't seem to be working out for me.

My mom once asked if I was being too picky.  Well, Mom, it's not like I'm beating men away with a stick.  I don't have certain qualifications for looks, height, amount of money that he makes or anything like that.  It is true that I'm looking for a nice guy that is willing to put God first.  If that's being too picky, then I'll be too picky, even if it means dying an old maid.

Since college, I was excited about the day that I would meet "The One".  To be honest, I'm glad I didn't meet him right away.  I'm glad that I was forced to get out of my box and learn how to go meet people even when it wasn't easy.  I'm glad that I had a chance to grow in my faith at a time when I could really focus on just that.  I'm glad that I had a chance to learn what Theology of the Body was all about.  I'm glad I had a chance to learn to open up to friends and be vulnerable with them, even though it sometimes meant getting a little hurt.  I'm glad that God chose to heal a deep seated question about my true worth before I got married.

You see, that was one of the problems that I had for a long time with being single.  I was desperate to meet a guy, because I needed the world to know that I was truly worth marrying.  I needed to know that I was worth that.  But what kind of a burden is that to put on a man?  My worth comes from God, and He was the One that convinced me of that.  Now if I get married, he won't have to keep trying to convince me of my worth.

But now?  I was thinking that I just wanted this pain to stop one way or the other.  Either that I would FINALLY meet someone, or that I would not desire it so much.  Instead, the pain just keeps getting worse.

I hate writing about it here sometimes.  I feel like such a whiner.  I know that I am not alone in my pain.  I know that other people also have plenty of pain in their lives, some more, some less.  I know that sometimes I can't see what other people are going through because I am too focused on myself.  That's not who I like to be.  And it's not what I like to show here (even though there is plenty of complaining in the archives), but it's a big part of my life right now.

I now miss the days when I was single, and didn't really want to be, but it was still a lot of fun.

God is faithful, and He has been in every moment of this journey, even though I am often not faithful to Him.  Though I don't particularly like this journey I have learned a couple of things that I am glad to know.

I have had a personal relationship with God for a long time, but it is not until the last few years, in the midst of this, that He has become my Beloved.  A lot of that happened in being completely honest with Him.  Crying out to Him that I was hurting, and He could change it, so why wouldn't He?  Telling Him that I was angry with Him for not changing it, that I couldn't see where He was going with it, and that I couldn't do it anymore.  But then, if you tell Him that you want Him to be there and a part of your life, even when you're still mad, He will be there.  He'll be there through all of it.  He often doesn't make the pain stop, but He'll be there.  It takes so much pressure off knowing that I don't have to have all the feelings sorted out.  He's big enough for my questions, my pain, my anger, but if I still want Him there, He is.  If I feel I can't trust Him anymore, but tell Him that I want Him to help me with that, He will.  He does.  Always.

I have also learned that sometimes just getting through the day is enough.  The days that it's really bad and I can't do much about it, it's okay.  If I can't shower (that doesn't happen often) or the place is a mess (okay, that happens kind of a lot), I try not to beat myself up over it.  Sometimes, it's all you can do just to make it from one moment to the next.

Another thing.  I love the liturgy, both the Mass and the liturgy of the hours.  I love that when I don't have the words, there are words there for me.  I love that the Mass is living out the Scriptures, and I wouldn't make it through without the Eucharist.  I can't even imagine my life without that.  And I love praying the Scriptures in the liturgy of the hours.  So worth it.  And I have to say, it is in the moments that the pain is the worst that God touches me the most in the Mass.

Also, I don't think that I do a very good job of it, but I love that when there is pain, it can become prayer. It can have a purpose.  I love that with Paul, we have the opportunity to "make up what is lacking" in Christ's sacrifice through our suffering (Col. 1:24).

Some days (especially on evenings and/or weekends) it is awfully easy for me to feel hopeless, but there are a lot of things that I am thankful for about this time.

It still can't be over fast enough.

(I can't do comments today, even though you all can be so wonderfully encouraging.  Prayers all always appreciated, and they do help, so thanks so much!)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

A Confession

Is there ever something in the back of your mind that you sort of know about yourself, but you refuse to admit it until you're confronted by the facts and you can't deny it anymore unless you want to flirt with denial on a psychiatric level?

'Cause I had one of those revelations today.

Are you ready?

Are you sure that you won't stop reading my blog when you find this out?

If you're not sure, then don't continue, because I don't want to lose you over this!

Okay, here goes.

I like hippos.

It would make more sense to like bears.  As dangerous as they can be, they're much cuter.

Or seals.  They're cute and playful.

Or elephants.  I mean, at least they can do tricks.

But hippos?  They're big, smelly, mean and funny looking.  

I'm really not sure what the fascination is.  I really liked all the other animals, too, but for some reason the hippo caught my eye.  I mean, it's not like I'm looking for a pet or anything, but I don't know.  Maybe it's just the novelty.

Could be worse.

At least it wasn't the rhino.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

A Little Update of Odds and Ends

It has now been over 5 months since I moved.  I can't believe how fast it's all going!  I'm really starting to feel like I'm getting in the flow at work.  I really enjoy my coworkers and the PT closest to me in age is starting to feel more like a friend.  This fall has had its ups and downs.  Expenses have been up, and income has been down due to some slower times in the clinic.   It's all working out so far, though.  Just not getting to put extra toward my student loan like I want to, and I have to stay far, far away from REI and all the fantastic outdoor clothes and stuff that they have and that I want.

I was able to email a little with my former bosses and discuss some things that had been on my mind in the process of leaving there and coming here.  I really do think that they are fantastic people and have a fantastic company.  Tying up the loose ends just really helped bring some closure to some lingering questions that I'd had and has really helped me move forward.  I also think that it helped for them to know exactly what happened, because I left in kind of a hurry.

I'm starting to feel more at home.  I have my go-to hikes when I don't have much time but just want to get out.  I'm enjoying my ENDOW group, and though I've only been with the hiking group a few times, I've really enjoyed that as well.  We had a little hike today that was orientation so that we would have a better idea of what the group offered and how to take advantage of it all.  I met several people that I really hope I get the chance to know better.

And I absolutely love my mountains.  They can be anyone else's mountains, too, but they are my mountains.  I've been back to the Midwest a couple of times in the last few months and I go back again in a few weeks.  I always get so excited to see family and friends, but it makes me a little sad to leave the mountains.  And glad to come back!  I get a little itchy if I haven't gotten to go up in them for a few days.  Even if it's just the little canyon just down the street, that's all I need.  I'm excited to try snow shoeing, but we're going to need some more snow if that's going to happen.

Oooh! One other thing with work... We just moved into our new clinic and it is beautiful. It is so nice to work in such a well-planned space.  I absolutely love my treatment room.  Partly because it's mine.  I got to arrange it the way that I wanted and pick the shelves and things.  My favorite part is that I got some frames and hung up some of my hiking pictures.  They've been a big hit, and one of my patients actually asked me if I picked them myself, or if someone picked them for me.  I got to tell her that I took them, so that was fun.  The compliments may be going to my head, but I'm definitely thinking that if the expenses around here ever calm down, I'd love to get a nicer camera.  My resolution's so bad that even if I get a great picture, 5x7 is the most that I can blow it up.

The fly in the ointment is that loneliness is still killing me bit by bit.  Some days I'm fine and everything's great.  Other days I'm a complete mess.  It's possible that moving has maybe made parts of it a little more dramatic, but given that the last 3 years have been really tough, I can't blame it only on moving.  It's been that way before I moved, and I knew it would be like that here, too.  This is not really the kind of thing that you can move away from or that is caused only by moving. I have friends out here, so that's not really it.  It's more coming home to that empty apartment.  I've had to limit some of my facebook and blogging* just to get through, so that's why I haven't always been leaving as many comments.  Prayers are definitely appreciated, and I'm thankful for my friends that have been praying for me, because this week was definitely better than last, so thanks for that!

*I know there's been some recent discussion about new mothers or expecting mothers or whoever either being worried that they are focusing to exclusively on their children when they blog.  My opinion?  I can't always read it because sometimes it hurts too much, but it doesn't mean that I'm not happy for you.  Furthermore, I think that a lot of us blog to share some part of our lives.  That is your life, and it is one of the most beautiful and important parts of your life.  I really think that you should share it, and I do enjoy reading it on days that I can.

That being said, I appreciated a post of Rae's that sought to include everyone on her blog as much as possible.  It's nice to feel included! :) I also really appreciated Young Mom's strategy of putting something about pregnancy in the title of the post so that those of us that maybe are struggling for various reasons can decide if we're up for it before we read.