If you are going to train a muscle in strength, you look at high loads and low repetitions. I have had those moments in trusting God. The burden seemed too great and was heavier than I could have imagined, but it typically didn't last more than a couple of weeks at a time, usually no more than a day or two. Then there was usually some kind of respite, though there are times that the break was very short before it came back.
Endurance training is low loads, high repetition. That's where I feel that I am right now. There have been very few of those moments that seem so impossible. However, there is a low grade challenge that never stops. Months go by with little to no let up. It gets old. Like a marathoner, it's not that any one step is so terribly difficult, but 26.2 miles of steps breaks a body down, uses up all the reserves.
I also feel like I am in a weird place right now when it comes to trusting God. I know that He has a plan. There have been times when I knew that intellectually, but doubted it for all intents and purposes. I know that He loves me. That's one that I never doubted, but definitely have grown to understand much more deeply through challenges. So I think that I would say that I trust Him, but now I find when I lift up prayers, I find myself wanting to duck. I hate to admit this, but it's true. It's like I am completely Him to send me exactly what I don't want. I can trust that it will ultimately be the best for me, like a parent giving a child some nasty but necessary medicine, but I certainly don't expect it to be pleasant. I pray that He will finally fulfill this desire of my heart to be a wife and mother, but resign myself to the fact that He's going to say "no" again. It doesn't seem like real trust to me, but I don't know what to do about it. Also, I'm simply tired of praying over and over again for the same things with no change in the situation.
One thing that I know that I need is humility. Part of my problem right now is that I want my way- and I want it right now-, and I'm mad that God doesn't agree. As to the rest, I don't know. I don't know how to trust God and surrender to His will without being convinced that His will is going to be the opposite of mine.
I don't know how it all works, but I will tell you this. I went to Mass this morning, and do you know how many times the priest used the word "trust" in his homily? I don't know either, but it was a lot. I missed a lot of the words in between, but that word stood out every time. You might think I'm crazy, but God was using that priest to speak that word to me over and over this morning, and I desperately needed to hear it.
But seriously, I need some help. It's like I'm living in Reverse Prosperity Gospel Land where I think that the more that I trust God, the worse off my earthly situation will be. As much as I hate the prosperity gospel, I know this is wrong, too. (Also ridiculous given that I have amazing family and friends and that I live in a nation that's often quite comfortable even with the current economic conditions.) Has anyone else ever struggled with this, or am I picking daisies so far out in left field that home plate is not visible anymore?