Sunday, February 14, 2010

Trust

When you strengthen a muscle, you have to consider strength, endurance and power. You can have some of the qualities, but be weak in some of the others. I'm beginning to think that perhaps some of the virtues that God tries to teach us have to be trained in the same way. I don't know if trust is technically a virtue, but whatever. I'm going with it.

If you are going to train a muscle in strength, you look at high loads and low repetitions. I have had those moments in trusting God. The burden seemed too great and was heavier than I could have imagined, but it typically didn't last more than a couple of weeks at a time, usually no more than a day or two. Then there was usually some kind of respite, though there are times that the break was very short before it came back.

Endurance training is low loads, high repetition. That's where I feel that I am right now. There have been very few of those moments that seem so impossible. However, there is a low grade challenge that never stops. Months go by with little to no let up. It gets old. Like a marathoner, it's not that any one step is so terribly difficult, but 26.2 miles of steps breaks a body down, uses up all the reserves.

I also feel like I am in a weird place right now when it comes to trusting God. I know that He has a plan. There have been times when I knew that intellectually, but doubted it for all intents and purposes. I know that He loves me. That's one that I never doubted, but definitely have grown to understand much more deeply through challenges. So I think that I would say that I trust Him, but now I find when I lift up prayers, I find myself wanting to duck. I hate to admit this, but it's true. It's like I am completely Him to send me exactly what I don't want. I can trust that it will ultimately be the best for me, like a parent giving a child some nasty but necessary medicine, but I certainly don't expect it to be pleasant. I pray that He will finally fulfill this desire of my heart to be a wife and mother, but resign myself to the fact that He's going to say "no" again. It doesn't seem like real trust to me, but I don't know what to do about it. Also, I'm simply tired of praying over and over again for the same things with no change in the situation.

One thing that I know that I need is humility. Part of my problem right now is that I want my way- and I want it right now-, and I'm mad that God doesn't agree. As to the rest, I don't know. I don't know how to trust God and surrender to His will without being convinced that His will is going to be the opposite of mine.

I don't know how it all works, but I will tell you this. I went to Mass this morning, and do you know how many times the priest used the word "trust" in his homily? I don't know either, but it was a lot. I missed a lot of the words in between, but that word stood out every time. You might think I'm crazy, but God was using that priest to speak that word to me over and over this morning, and I desperately needed to hear it.

But seriously, I need some help. It's like I'm living in Reverse Prosperity Gospel Land where I think that the more that I trust God, the worse off my earthly situation will be. As much as I hate the prosperity gospel, I know this is wrong, too. (Also ridiculous given that I have amazing family and friends and that I live in a nation that's often quite comfortable even with the current economic conditions.) Has anyone else ever struggled with this, or am I picking daisies so far out in left field that home plate is not visible anymore?

4 comments:

  1. Oh yes. I have (am) struggled with this before. Before I was married I wondered if I ever would be married. Now that I am, I feel very similarly to how you do, but about having a baby. I will pray for your strength and sense of purpose. :)

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  2. You always have the best analogies.

    I haven't actually struggled with this myself, but it seems to me like you still have trust - after all, you're praying and expecting Him to act (or not act) in the best way for you. You're just realistic that it might not happen the way you want it to. I guess the only danger is being blind to what joy the journey may bring. (Do you want to smack me for saying that? I hope it doesn't sound insensitive. I know it really sucks sometimes.)

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  3. This is a very inspiring article well thought out.

    We all have moments where our Faith and trust waver. It's part of being human. The human side of Jesus doubted too when in the garden, before His arrest, He prayed that His ordeal may pass Him by. But He prayed and accepted God's will, for our sakes.

    The answer to doubt is of course prayer. We should say "Thy will be done" and mean it. Not "Thy will be done as long as it is what I want".

    We should also tell our Lord how we feel. "I believe, Lord; help my unbelief" Mark 9:24.

    Believe me, we all have periods where trust is shaken. I've been praying for something on my mind for a long time. I think He's saying "Wait ... not now".

    So let's wait and trust together.

    Anyway, I came here to thank you for visiting my Blog and leaving a comment there. I hope your readers would also visit and in so doing help a charity without paying a penny.

    Thank you, and may God bless you always.

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  4. This is so hard. I think I'm going through a little bit of this right now. The things I want to happen are not happening and that's OK. It's just...I'm kind of giving up on prayer about those things. Not that I expect God to say 'Aw, shucks, you've prayed so patiently so I'll just go ahead and let you have it.' Not at all. I expect Him to lead me in ways that are true to His will, not mine.

    But the prayer and then ducking? Yup. That's me. Like I said, since I'd rather not duck, I tend to just stop praying. Which is awful and distancing and terrifying. But I just wonder what my prayers really mean? Are they pointless?

    And I'm rambling. Forgive me. This post was wonderful and heartfelt and caused me to look deeply into my own heart. Thank you :)

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