July, October, and December were the months that were the most difficult. July was the month that my grandma died and the month that I became the last person that was still single. I'm not going to go into everything about my grandma dying, but just as it relates to this particular part. I had been hoping for the last couple of years that I would meet someone in time for her to meet him, and for him to meet her. We knew that her health was failing, but I had hoped that at least that could happen. The last time that I got to spend time with her, in May, she asked me if there was anyone in my life. Of all the people that always ask me things like that, I think that was the only time she ever asked. I hated having to tell her no.
Then there was the fact that I became the last single person in the larger group of friends. I couldn't believe how lonely that was. I had no idea it would be like that. I figured I would have problems with wishing that I had what everyone else did, but what I didn't realize is how many levels the loneliness strikes at that point. Suddenly, there is less time to spend hanging out because everyone has stuff to do with their significant other. Also, when we are hanging out, everyone is talking about relationship things, and I now have nothing to contribute to the conversation. One of the greatest blessings of July, though, was that while being single alone was worse than I thought it would be, it was also better than I thought it would be. I was genuinely happy for everyone.
Oh, October. How I do hate thee. Even now, I could hardly tell you why October was so stinking hard. At least July was obvious. It was really hard to try to say anything to anyone about what I was struggling with because I barely knew what to say. I do know that part of the problem is that for the first time in a long time I had a lot of evenings free. I was so used to being busy and having things to do, I felt like even more of a single loser now that I was on my own so much. Whatever it was, I think I cried more that month than I ever have, and I hate crying. I particularly remember one Saturday. It was a good day most of the day, and I was busy cleaning and doing various weekend things, but I was fighting off the gloominess all day. Once it hit, it hit with a vengeance. I don't remember ever crying so hard or feeling so bad or feeling so close to God all at the same time. It was crazy.
Two things happened that night. One is that I was thinking of this song on the radio that I really wanted to hear right then, that really spoke to the experience that I was going through. I figured, what are the chances that it will be on right now? But I finally turned on the radio. And... it was some other song entirely. Guess what, though. The very next song was the one that I was really needing to hear right then.
The other thing that happened on this very night that I was struggling more than I ever had with being single is that one of my oldest friends called in the middle of all this to announce her engagement. I had just calmed down enough that I could even answer the phone, and decided that I was ready to move on, so I did answer the phone, and there she was. It was kind of funny, because I am known for not having very big reactions to things, so when she told me her news, she was pleasantly surprised by the strength of my emotion. Little did she know that it was part hysteria! :) Luckily, she couldn't be on the phone long, but when I got off the phone it was okay.