Wednesday, June 3, 2009

January: I Found the Love of My Life

January was wonderful.  Holiday exile was over, and the struggles of the last few months began to lead to some answers.  Realizing that the number one lie that I was listening and believing to was the whole "there must be something wrong with me/I must not be as lovable as everyone else/I must not be worth it" (RA- don't flip out.  I know it isn't true. I don't believe it anymore.)  helped me understand that part of my desperation and pain came from the fact that I needed to get married so that I could prove to myself and everyone else that this lie wasn't true.  

My beautiful friend, RA, pointed me toward "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldredge.  That is what we call the right book at the right time.  They were able to nail exactly what I was thinking and feeling.  I couldn't believe it!  They shed light on some things that I hadn't been able to recognize.  Through that, I came to see that what I was looking for was also something that many married women hadn't found either.  I came to see more clearly that a man, no matter how wonderful, was not going to be able to provide the worth that I was looking for.  

I realized that the lie that I clung to colored my view of God's love for me.  I figured that God had to love everyone.  Of course He loved me.  It didn't matter to Him that I was second-rate. Kind of like my family.  They'll love me no matter what.  I didn't even realize until this time that somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I added "even though there's something wrong with me."  I know it sounds ridiculous when you write it out, but before going through these things, I never understood that I was thinking that and viewing my entire world through the cracked lens of that lie.

Through that book and through some amazing time in Adoration, He finally shed light on what I was feeling and helped me to see how deeply untrue it was.  I came to see how much He was captivated by me.  How He delighted in me.  I learned how beautiful the word "healing" really is. And the desperation to be married was finally gone.

However, believe it or not (I did not), the desire to be married grew.  

That is where I am today.  Some days are great, other days are really, really hard.  Some days are depressing and other days it's great to be alive.  So in a word, it's life.  I know that if I get married the specifics will change, but the general rule will stay the same.  There will be good things that will be really, really good, and there will be bad things that are horrid.

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