Friday, May 22, 2009

I'm Tired

This is not the best post to start a holiday weekend with.  So really it wouldn't hurt you to skip it, at least until Tuesday.  It should go well with the extra hard case of the "Mondays" that follows a three day weekend.  Actually, unless you find Eeyore uplifting and enjoyable, you should just skip it all together.  It's not something that you really need to read.  It's something that I need to write.  Maybe if I get it all out there, then I can stop carrying it around with me.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of eating alone.
I'm tired of going stag.
I'm tired of slapping my face to stay awake on long drives because I have no one to talk to.
I'm tired of complaining all the time (sorry, friends!).
I'm tired of facing weekend after weekend alone.
I'm tired of getting annoyed with people who complain about how hard it is to plan a wedding, buy a house, or be pregnant. (Sorry folks!  I know those things are stressful and difficult, but you're getting married, buying a home for your family, and having children.  I can't muster up much sympathy right now.)
I'm tired of seemingly innocuous words, phrases and gestures hitting with the force of a physical blow.  And I'm very tired of the way that makes me cry on my way home from an otherwise very good time more often than I would like to admit.
I'm tired of trying to convince myself that it'll be okay.
I'm tired of other people trying to convince me that it'll be okay (though I appreciate the thought behind it.)
I'm tired of the way that I like to drown myself in self pity, when there are so many people with much bigger problems.
I'm tired of the way my heart aches, and it never goes away.  Some things take the edge off for a little while, but that's it.
I want so much to be the single person that makes the most of this time in my life, but I'm tired of making the most of every moment.  I don't want to anymore.
Please, God, make it stop. Please.