Friday, May 1, 2009

Guilty Secret

Haha!  I tricked you!  You thought this was going to be a juicy tell-all, didn't you?  You were wrong.  My guilty secret is this blog.  I have kept it fairly anonymous, which I don't feel guilty about at all.  But I have also not told my friends that I have a blog.  They wouldn't all want to know.  But I have some friends that I tell everything.  At least I thought I told them everything, until I realized that I didn't.  I didn't tell them that I had a blog, and I'm not sure that I want to tell them.  That makes me feel guilty.

It also makes me very curious.  Why wouldn't I want them to know that I blog?  I don't think that I have put anything on the blog that they don't know about.  There's only one thing that I can think of, and I don't know if it's a good reason or a lame excuse.  That is that I am one of the very few single people left in my group of friends.  I try to share my thoughts and feelings with them often enough that they know what's going on, because they are amazing friends that want to share my joy and my sorrow.  Yet, there's only so much that I can say.  It's really awkward to break into all the wedding or baby talk with: "You know, the loneliness of not having that special someone to share the ups and downs of my life with is really getting to me."  Or: "The apartment seems deathly silent sometimes without all the noises and sounds of children."  Talk about a mood killer!  

Also, I am afraid.  I'm afraid that if they know how much it's on my mind, they will hesitate to share their joys and this joyful time of their lives with me.  Sometimes it hurts, but I don't want that hurt to rob me of this great time to rejoice together.  Sometimes people are afraid that their joy will make my pain worse.  Sure it hurts worse, but cutting me off from the sharing of life together would be the worst pain of all.

And I don't want them to try to fix it.  Everyone likes to give some variation of, "Don't worry, your time will come."  There are some people that are single their whole lives.  My time might not come, so that doesn't help.  I would far rather have them simply check in from time to time to see how I'm doing.  Do you know how much of a relief that it would be to be able to talk about some of the things that I am struggling with?  But if I always bring it up, then no one will want to talk to me.  Frankly, I wouldn't want to talk to me.  Yet, this is a constant fact of my life, and when I can't bring it up for fear of coming off as the bitter old maid that no one wants to be around, it makes me feel even more alone.

Anyway, there it is.  There are the reasons that this blog is a guilty secret for me.

1 comment:

  1. so, let's talk...


    And FYI, if you ever want to interrupt and say what's on your mind, I will never think of you as a "bitter old maid". EVER.