"This is the condition of the true Christian. He can nurture a trustful optimism, because he is certain he is not walking alone. In sending us Jesus, the eternal Son made man, God has drawn near to each of us. In Christ, he has become our traveling companion. If time marches on inexorably, often shattering even our dreams, Christ, the Lord of time, gives us the possibility of an ever new life."
Right now, I am stuck in the part where "time marches on inexorably, often shattering even our dreams." This is what I really fear. I struggle with loneliness. I'm tired of going to things and doing things by myself, but I can handle it if I know it's only for a time. As I get closer to 30, I know that my chances of getting married are far from being over, but I also am becoming more and more aware that it may not happen. It doesn't always happen. Some people want to get married but they never do.
--Side note. I remember once my grandma was telling a story (I think she was trying to be encouraging??) about a distant cousin I had never met. She said he was very smart, a doctor, well-liked and so forth, but he hadn't found anyone by my age either...then she finished by telling me that he ended up dying from cancer in his mid-thirties, still single. Umm, why did you tell me that?--
Here's the part that I often forget. I can walk with Christ in trustful optimism, certain that I am never alone. It is true that in the last month or two, I have spent a lot of time alone compared to what I am used to. But I sometimes forget, or worse yet, choose to ignore the fact that I am never truly alone. Here's what I have to remember. Christ always walks with me. For all of the parts that I hate about being single, and especially in the last year when I have struggled with it on a whole new level, it has been worth it for one simple reason. I have had to learn to rely on God in a whole new way. I have had to learn to understand that He and He alone is the One that can truly satisfy my great desire for love and belonging. And that is true with or without a husband in my life. I have had to learn to rely on Him completely, because there is no one else around for me to rely on.
Now as time slips quickly on, leaving my dreams still unfulfilled and seemingly more fragile, I will try to focus more on the fact that Christ is the Lord of time. He makes no mistakes and I can trust Him, no matter what the outcome. I know that these deep desires of mine for marriage and family are beautiful desires that come from Him. He did not give them to me by mistake. It is most likely that He will eventually cause those desires to be fulfilled, but if not, at least I know that He can and will bring fruit from them if I let Him, and trust Him no matter what.
Here's one more quote from the Papa: "What could seem to human eyes a slow and uneven path, is actually God's method."
K. I get the picture. I can get through the day now. Maybe not tomorrow, but then there will be more grace tomorrow that is just for it.