Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Just One of Those Days

I have been feeling especially alone these last couple of days.  I was hanging out with friends, and I was the only female present that wasn't pregnant.  Which meant that once again I didn't have much to contribute to the conversations. "Does your belly itch?" "Oh, yeah.  All the time."

It was interesting some of the things that were said.  One of the mothers was laughing about how "everyone here has big pregnant bellies.  Except CM."  Such a tiny little offhand comment, but a little part of me felt like it shriveled up and died.  Of course, she had no idea that it affected me at all.  Why should she?  I don't want my friends to bottle up their joy and save for when I'm not around.  Besides, I'm not sure what comments could be made that don't somehow turn my mind toward the fact that I'm alone.  That's just the direction that my mind is turned right now.

At a work meeting, everyone shared news about who was buying houses and how pregnant wives were doing and how wedding plans were going.  We do this every 2 months, and I never have anything to say.  When friends ask me what's new, I don't know what to tell them.  (Clearly, I need to get out more, but with who?  All my friends are busy.  Make new ones you say? They're also busy with spouses and children.  Unless I want to start hanging out with people that are quite a bit younger than me.)

I hate days like this, and I hate feeling like this.  I hate that there's nothing that I can do but try to get through this.

1 comment:

  1. oh friend. I am so sorry. I know that I am so guilty of hurting you this way sometimes.

    I know that you say you don't want anyone else to bottle up their joy in attempt to not bring any hurt to the surface, but I am so sorry.

    Any chance you can just tell me to shut up next time? Because that would make me feel better.

    I just want you to know that you can always just say that something hurts. I don't want to be the kind of "friend" that doesn't want to enter into those dark places of life with you. The ones that we don't want to talk about. You have been such a faithful friend to me. I love you.