Tuesday, March 24, 2009

True Worth

I don't intend to blog on being single all the time, but it is clearly very applicable to my life right now.  There are all kinds of mommybloggers.  But there are people leading a single life as well.  Some do so by choice.  Either they want to be focused on themselves and do not want the sacrifices inherent in a relationship or with a family, or they want to have time to focus on a higher calling of some kind.  Something that they need to devote their lives to and would not be able to give a relationship or family the time that they deserve.

Then there's me.  And many others like me.  We're the ones that desire to be in a relationship but are not.  I don't know the reason for this, but I try to find all kinds of rationalizations.  There has to be some reason that I'm still single.  But what?

The reasons that I come up with aren't very pretty most of the time.  Maybe I'm just not attractive enough to get someone's attention.  Maybe I'm too opinionated and too independent.  Maybe I'm not very interesting.  Maybe I'm too much of an introvert.  Could it be my awkwardness?  Maybe I don't go out in enough places to meet people.  Maybe I don't go to the right places to meet people.

I don't know why I'm single, only that I am.  And I started to realize something.  I  see myself as something less because of my singleness.  All of the "reasons" above, reasons that in some way I see as being true, are that I have too many negatives and not enough positives.  My worth does not add up to very much, and that must be the reason that I am still single.  I don't know if the rest of the world perpetuates that or if it is just the tinted lens of this bias, but I interpret a lot of things as adding to this.  When I joined my church, there was no place for a single person, so I had to fill out the blank for "wife".  In my head, that felt like there is no place for me.  Sometimes, when people find out that I am single, they want to reassure me that there is nothing wrong with me... apparently with the assumption that there is something wrong with other singles-that-don't-want-to-be-singles?  Maybe you just don't know me well enough to know about my bag of fingernail and toenail clippings in the closet (Fever Pitch reference:)).

Anyway, in the last year, this has all come to a head.  My remaining single friends are all now planning weddings, and many friends and acquaintances are having children in the next few months (I think there are about 10 babies due).  My aloneness has been thrown in relief and I have been becoming one of those desperate single people that I never wanted to be.  And I realized that a large part of my desperation was stemming from the fact that I wanted that confirmation that I had worth, that someone would actually want to spend time with me, that I was loveable.

Then, on the suggestion of a friend, I read Captivating,  by Stasi and John Eldredge.  I realized that this struggle for worth that I was having was not just my own struggle.  It is the struggle of every woman in a variety of different ways.  It is as much a struggle for many married women as it is for single women.  And I realized that while I still want to be married, and while a relationship will have a wonderful impact on many parts of my life, no man could give me the true meaning of my worth that I have been looking for.  Part of me would always wonder if he just hadn't figured out yet what was wrong with me.  The meaning of my true worth comes from God.

My desires, my struggles and my questions about my worth have not all gone away.  But the desperation has gone away, because I am starting to see what I am worth to Him.  I used to think that He loved me because He had to love everyone because He said He would. In the stillness of my heart, I finally begin to see that He thinks that I am worth loving.


2 comments:

  1. :) You totally are worth loving like CRAZY. In case you didn't notice, I love you a creepy amount.

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  2. PS - I will now reference (and encourage your addicition to) SCL: "Who told you that you were unlovable?"

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