Thursday, March 19, 2009

On Being Single

Somehow, I am 28 and single.  I know that's not real old, but I have been wanting to be married for a long time and it hasn't happened yet.  Not only that, but there are no prospects.  Not so much as a speck on the horizon.  Sometimes it really hurts.  That sounds a little over dramatic, but that's how I feel, and this is my blog, so I'll say what I want.  When I hear about people my age with two or three kids, I wonder if it will ever be my turn.  Part of the pain is about wanting to be loved, but a lot of it is having a lot of love to give and wondering if I'll ever get to share it.  Sometimes the little things are the worst, like going to a party alone.  Again.  Or wanting to cook a meal for others to enjoy.  Those kinds of things.

Anyway, I'm not married and there's nothing that I can do at this moment to change it.  So I was thinking about the single thing, and here are my hopes for being single (besides the hope that it won't last that much longer!:))

1) I hope that I will never be a bitter spinster.  I now begin to understand why it is so easy for that to happen.  We women are relational people and not having deep relationships can leave us feeling unfulfilled.  (I suppose that's too much of a sweeping generalization.  Let's just say that's the case for those of us that do want to be married with families).  I hope that this pain, no matter how short or long it is leads me to be a deeper person with more empathy with others.  Maybe not just other single people, but other people with pain.

2) I hope that I will use my single time wisely.  Time to grow closer to God while I depend on Him completely, time to build stronger relationships with friends.  Time to improve in my profession.  Time to pay off at least a small part of my crazy grad school debt.

3) I hope that I will learn to be more open to other people.  I am an introvert that has a hard time letting people into my thoughts and feelings.  It finally occurred to me that there would always be loneliness if I didn't let the inside out, no matter whether I was married or single.  I promise I won't go spilling my guts to you if I meet you in the grocery store.  I only subject my sister and my close friends to that!

Yikes!  Look at where this blog is heading!  Straight down the road of schmaltzy attempts at profundity.  Yuck!  Well, it is what it is.  I will simply have to revel in the relative newness of the blog and the fact that hopefully no one's reading yet.  I could just not post the entry, but if I can dump the thoughts here and not have them on my mind, so much the better.  Hopefully by the time someone stumbles across this blog, the writing will improve.

1 comment:

  1. I saw through the Wordpress stats that you linked to our blog, and I thought I would be a stalker and check it out. Thanks so much! Please please don't be hard on yourself for being schmaltzy!! I was reading this entry and going, "Amen, sister," the entire time (except for the part about wanting kids--I haven't decided on that yet). I'm glad you posted this entry. We single women need as much support as we can get, right? Especially those of us (yes, I include myself) with "not so much as a speck on the horizon."