Not Only WIWS, But Many Other Things That You Didn't Necessarily Need/Want to Know about My Sunday

To clarify, some people seemed to mistake my dislike for the picture of the outfit as uncertainty about the outfit itself.  Not true!  If I didn't like the outfit, I never would have linked up. ;)

So when I said that I had an outfit that would be worth posting on WIWS, I didn't actually intend to post it.  I simply meant to comment that I had one outfit that could play the game.  Most of the rest of the time, I just wear work clothes for church because that's what I have.  However, people said they wanted to see the outfit, and because I have no pride, I will post the truly awful picture that I managed to take after church today.  With my head cut off and some hiking clothes in the background that have only made it halfway toward the laundry basket.  Yes, because that's the kind of quality you can expect around here.

This outfit is taking risks for me, and I credit some of your WIWS posts with making me think I could try different things.  For one thing, my capris have color. I had to send out a text to several friends asking for reassurance before I could commit to buying salmon pants.  ALL of my pants are gray, black, tan/beige, navy or jeans.  Then there's the fact that not only did I go for some stripes, but my scarf has a WHOLE DIFFERENT PATTERN.  That's big for me, you see, because it's a fairly recent development in my life to wear a pattern at all, let alone two things with two wholly different patterns. Yikes. I admit that I'm concerned about falling through the hole between tastefully wearing colors and patterns and suddenly being that middle aged woman with the LOUD clothes.

Now, before I actually post the picture, I have to give you several excuses for the cruddiness of said pic. One is that there are only so many places in my house (one to be exact) that I can set up my camera for the nice timer shot.  It is not a place that has great lighting.  Then you add in the fact that I set everything to auto, except the focus.  I love manual focus, but you actually have to be behind the camera for it to work. I didn't realize the focus was off until after I'd changed into what I really wear for the rest of Sunday (but you don't need to see that mismatched mess).

No need to make that one bigger.  You can see enough to get the idea.

Now that I look at that picture, I doubt the shoes, but I do get comments on them being cute when people see them in real life.  They sure look ugly there, though!

I have huge plans to be lazy today.  That's the plan every Sunday, but this Sunday is more important.  I have a wedding to go to next Sunday, and the rock class is the following Sunday.  It is always my goal in life to have no plans on Sunday besides rest and relaxation.  That can include hanging with family or friends, but not anything that requires me to be "on" the whole day.  However, the next two Sundays are good reasons for exceptions, so that makes this Sunday's couch time all the more important.  I foresee blogging, movies, and ice cream in my future today.

This is in my past for today:

So close you can smell the grease and see the beautiful pattern of my cheap Wally World plate.

Yeah, I don't normally do food pictures, but that omelet turned out well, so I had to post the proof.  I also had to post proof after the last post that I do eat plenty of food.  I don't know why I was so hungry that Sunday, but I can tell you that with all the protein, I've barely been hungry since.  I am eating some gluten free grains for the moment, but I don't need them too much.  The plan is to try to be as close to full on paleo as possible for the entire month of June.  I have a camping trip planned, so that could make things difficult (camping usually does...)  I do not fully agree with the paleo plan for a couple of things, but my plan is to try it for a month or two and then start to add things back in one at a time to see how my body responds to them.

I do love that the fact that I'm trying to improve my diet means that I am posting pictures of my bacon and eggs.  But there's also mushrooms and green onions and spinach in that omelet, so that makes it healthy right? (And when you saute the veggies in the bacon grease, they all absorb that flavor, yum!  Oops, now I'm revealing that I'm eating my veggies soaked in bacon grease.  That's me. Healthy all the way.) Man, it was good though. Smoked bacon with no nitrates or MSG.

I can't believe that it's been 2 weeks since I've posted.  Not much going on here.  Spring is still MIA in that I think it is summer now when it was winter a couple of weeks ago.  I am cooking a lot more, and I have really been enjoying that.  I have all these foods in whole form that turn into really tasty meals.  Things like tomato and avocado salad, garlic and dijon chicken, tilapia with cilantro butter, fresh salmon, ginger pork chops.  All of these things are fairly quick to prepare, and it's wonderful eating real food.  That may be where some of my blogging time has gone?  I don't really know, actually.  I have no excuses.

Beyond that, now that it's warm, it's time to get outside.  I am ready for some long hikes and I'm disappointed that my next couple of weekends are booked.  A couple of days ago, I was able to run after dropping my car off for an oil change.  I don't run as a general rule because I have flat feet and my knees pay for the indiscretion.  However, I was able to jog (it wasn't even a plod! Though it wasn't a run, either) for 1.5 miles without stopping.  I was pretty happy with that.  My knees did complain, but sometimes they just have to suck it up.  I do enjoy jogging and wish that I could do it more often. Yesterday I was able to get out for 13 miles (and 3,800 ft elevation gain), but it felt so much shorter than that.  Usually I'm sore, but not so much today.  Which is awesome!  I think my friend and I were able to do some serious butt kicking on that trail.

Speaking of butts, I had a conversation with my sister the other day in which she mentioned that she was not excited by her lack of a butt.  Not a concern that I've yet to face in my life, for better or worse.  I think too little butt is a problem as well as too much butt.  I'm going to go ahead and continue in my narcissistic vein today and say that with the hiking and such, I'm happy with enough and not too much. It does keep me in a pant size up, but that's a small price to pay.

Yes, clearly I should be blogging more often when these are the kinds of inspiring thoughts that I have to share with the world!

Wow!  You made it this far? You are either a trooper or seriously bored. Head over to FLAP for more WIWS.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to put where the outfit came from!

Everything: New York and Company

Except the shoes: DSW (I think)

Indeed, you needed that to make your day complete.  Here's one last photo of Spring, just because you toughed it out.

Just like everyone else's close ups of growing things.

But I Like Inflammation!

At least, that's going to be my story after today.  I believe that dairy and grains, in the form that we have them today, are likely causing a lot of our health issues.  But I'm hungry, so I don't really care anymore.  I decided to start cutting out the grains today, and I was all excited and proud of myself until about 2:30 this afternoon.  Then I was shaking every little crumb I could get out of what little was left of my last box of cereal. Because I'm hungry.  I tried to prepare for this.  I made sure that I had plenty for my meals.  I made sure that I had appropriate snacks to eat.

It didn't work.  The reason that I ate the cereal is because it is the one grain that was left in the house (besides some rice, but I didn't want to work that hard for something that wouldn't be tasty unless I fixed it up).  I should be picking up the house right now so that I can think about being ready for the coming week.  But I am far too hungry to bother myself with mundane things like doing dishes! I'm thinking about going to the store to try to find something.  I'm sure that I would also have to pick up some chocolate for myself for the trouble.

Seriously!  I know that some of you have done paleo or similar types of eating plans.  What the heck do you eat so that you don't go crazy??  I'm really glad that I decided this should be done in stages. Tomorrow's stage is definitely going to have to have some more carbs!

Besides whining about being hungry, I think I'm getting over whatever little bug I had.  It was a weird one.  I'd have a headache, and I was really tired.  So I'd lie down.  And I'd be happy as a clam until I was bored of the couch.  Then I'd think I was doing better and I'd get up and quickly just want bed again.  It was pretty exciting to go to church today, come home and cook an (perfect!) omelet and then still feel like doing more stuff.

But lying on the couch left me plenty of time for some TV.  I am into the 3rd season of Downton, but not caught up yet.  The nice thing about the DVD's is that I have access to the special features, and the one I listened to today was talking about the whole thing with Pamuk.  Guess what.  They didn't make that up!  Apparently one of the writers read that in someone's old diary from approximately that era!  Beyond that, I'm not sure if I can keep watching.  Except for Edith and Bates, everyone's pretty happy right now.  I have seen enough spoilers to know what's coming.  I don't know when or how, but I know it's on the way. I'm glad I know in a way, because I can't handle those kinds of surprises on shows. On the other hand, I wish I could have ignorance and not be waiting for that.

Seriously.  I've been eating all day.  How am I still hungry??? Grrr.... I'm going to go find more food now. Somewhere.

7 Quick Takes

1) I would just like to say that I have a problem.  I know the difference between "your" and "you're" and I know how to use them correctly.  Somehow that does not stop me from using them incorrectly many, many times. Like an email that I sent a few days ago... Luckily not to my former English major boss, but really?  One of these days maybe I will learn to use them the right way.

2) I get to help teach the rock climbing class this year!  I'm so excited, but I have to brush up on my knots and hitches again.  Most I can remember, but the butterfly knot makes me batty and so does a bowline.  I never use those while I climb, but I have to know them if I'm going to teach them.  I helped last year, too, but I'm just a lowly assistant instructor.  They waited so long to ask that I thought they just didn't need as many of us this year.  It was fun to find out two years ago that I could do and even enjoy something like rock climbing, and it is delightful to get to help pass that on to others as well.

3) I guess the various bugs are going around again.  One of my coworkers left early the other day, and one of my patients came in with a wicked cough and explaining that two days ago she was so sick that she literally had to crawl to the bathroom.  Really?  Maybe you should stay home and not share!  I'm feeling borderline myself.  I feel better this evening (Thursday) than I did yesterday and this morning. I've spent the day with lots of water and lots of rest and taking echinacea.  Hopefully that will take care of things.  If I feel feverish, I'll call in tomorrow, but hopefully I won't need to!  I don't call in often, but when I do, I spend the whole day feeling guilty for not working.  And when I feel a little sick, but not definitively sick, I usually go to work, but then feel guilty about being germy and spreading it.

If I'm sick, I'll get a healthy dose of guilt no matter what!

4) I really have to try to get rid of grains and dairy.  I went to the dr. today because of a swollen tonsil.  It's not tonsillitis and I knew it wasn't, because it's not that red or sore.  But she says that while I don't have much sign of infection, I have signs of inflammation and she wants me to take a steroid nose spray.  I'd rather try to eat healthier!  I may have to use the spray for a short while.  The tonsil really is out of control, but I want to try to get rid of my need for it shortly.

5) Let's see, I tell you all about my charting and my disgusting tonsil.  This blogging thing really is kind of messed up.  Or I am.  Either way.  Speaking of charting, thanks so much for all the great comments.  It's nice to have the support.  By way of clarification, I do think that learning to chart "so that I'll be ready just in case" is a reason to chart, and not a bad one in it's own way.  I was just saying that it shouldn't be the only reason or the main reason.  It's definitely one of my reasons, too.  I did find it interesting that I get comments that people are glad they learned to chart when they did or that they wished they would have learned it sooner, but no one is sorry that they have that information.  I think for those that are single like me, it's not realistic that we'll chart all the time while we remain single, but I think it's so important to know how, to get a baseline, and to identify any potential problem areas.

6) Mother's Day is coming up.  I think I might go camping.  The two are not directly related, but it's still nice timing.  I just sent my SIL a birthstone locket.  I'm nervous about it because my SIL and I have never been that close (more because of geographical distance than because of any problems), and these things are always sensitive.  She would have been due this week if she hadn't miscarried, and right before Mother's Day besides.  Also, ordering jewelry online makes me nervous because it might be kind of tacky or not her taste.  Even if she hates it, I just want her to know that I'm thinking of her.

7)  I should have taken a picture of ALL.THE. SNOW. to show you.  But I didn't.  I'm sure you all have seen enough of your own that you didn't need to see ours. I had to clean several inches off my car.  What is up with that?  Everywhere it just won't give up!  But I love the wetness factor.  More wet!  Less fire!

Have a wonderful weekend and head over to Jen's for more Quick Takes.

Charting as a Single Person

It has been about 6 months and it has been 6 cycles since I started charting.  I thought it would be a good time for a "final" update.  I'm not done charting, so I may mention things as they come up, but as far as specifically writing posts about charting as a single person, this is the last one (at least until or unless something else comes up.)

First of all, since this is about charting as a single woman, there are two things that I believe more and more strongly through this process.  One is that I believe that all women should know how to chart and should spend at least several months doing it.  The other is that single women who are learning to chart need to make sure that they are doing it for the right reasons.  Simply doing it "so that you'll be ready when it's time" may not be the best reason.  If that had been my reason when I started doing this, then I would have been really disappointed after doing this for 6 months and still having no change in my prospects.  Or, if I had met someone in that time, I may have taken it as some sort of sign and put more pressure on that relationship to be the relationship.

I do think that it's an awesome side benefit that if I do meet someone, I will be ready.  I just don't think that's the reason that anyone should take it.  Does that make sense?  The reason that I took it was because I'd heard enough to notice some things that I wanted to keep an eye on, and I wanted to be more conscious of my health.  Those are goals that can be met no matter what.

I think all women should learn to chart and do it long enough to have a general idea of what's going on and what is and is not normal for them.  It really is great to know more about what's going on in my body.  It's great to walk by all of the contraceptive products in a drug store and know that I wouldn't need any of those on a particular day if I was married and trying to avoid pregnancy.  In my case, it's even better to know that I have some signs of low progesterone (short post peak times and longer periods with at least 4 days of TEBB) because if my status does change, I'll want to get some blood draws done to get that confirmed and take care of any appropriate treatment.  Also great? Because of charting, I can make sure those get done at times that they would be accurate.

I don't think that younger teenagers need as much depth with the training, but I think that they should learn about charting, too.  I think it helps us all to have a greater respect for our bodies and learn how to work with them.  It will also make it less intimidating if they decide they want to use NFP when the time is right for them.  Not to mention that I know far too many women who had problems with their periods long before marriage and babies that would benefit from knowing more about what's going on and how to follow up for treatment if needed.

I can also tell you that my mucus cycle seems a little off to me.  The two months that I took echinacea (for unrelated reasons) the cycle looked perfect.  My instructor thought that was interesting and wondered if echinacea decreases inflammation.  I don't know what it does for sure, but if I were trying to conceive, I would be taking it during that part of my cycle!

I am starting to get a little tired of charting, however.  I notice that I am a little lax in my observations sometimes.  I know that I'm getting tired of paying the fee to go up to see the instructor, only to have her repeat the same questions.

Because of all of this, I have a new plan.  The plan is to take a month off from charting.  I do have some things I still want to figure out, but I don't think it's worth it to go through all the work most of the time, but then be lax just often enough that you're losing valuable information.  The echinacea thing is also interesting to me.  If it does somehow decrease inflammation, that makes me wonder about making some dietary changes.  I've already gotten rid of most of the dairy in my life (though I still have some), but I think that I should also try cutting back the grains and eating a LOT more fruits and vegetables.  I have been eating a lot more meat in the last couple of months and that seems to be going really well.  Do you see where this is going?  I think I'll try some paleo for a couple of months.  I'm a little uncertain about some of the things about the paleo diet, and therefore am not sure that I want to stay on it for too long.  However, I really have been questioning what the grains are doing to me, and I know I feel better if I stay away from dairy and when I do eat a lot of fruits and vegetables.

Seeing as how I barely plan meals normally, I'm going to try to go through the eMeals.  They're not too expensive, and the fact that the meals are already planned and the grocery list is already written means that my chances go up from slim and none to at least 50%.  I figure that it will take me a few weeks to get rid of some of the non-paleo friendly stuff I already have and don't intend to throw out and hopefully find a workable routine for getting my own meals made instead of my current plan, which involves frozen dinners and a microwave.  Which means that I should hopefully be about switched over in time to chart again right after this upcoming cycle and I should be motivated because I'll want to see if there are any noticeable changes.  I do plan to follow up again with the FCP, but it might be another 6 months or so.

There you have it, more than you ever wanted to know about me and my plans for charting.  It's a little awkward, but the benefits of it are worth it, so I'm happy to share if it lets someone else be more aware of the ways that charting may help them.

7 Quick Takes Friday

1) Quick Takes is about deep thoughts and profound words about important topics, right?  Wait, it's not? Perfect.  Because the only thing that I can come up with off the top of my head is that it's YOUR fault.  YOU all sucked me in.  I started Downton Abbey, and liked it okay, but I didn't love it like the rest of the world. Only... now I think I'm starting to get sucked in.  I was out climbing the other day and the theme music kept going in my head.  The music that fits with drawing rooms and dressing for dinner doesn't quite match up with rock climbing.

2) Oh, geez.  What next? I'm still watching it right now.  There is almost too much drama for me! The characters are great, the settings are amazing, but the holy cow, the drama! I know that's part of what keeps me watching, but sometimes it's too much! I'm also behind with "Mr. Selfridge" and now I want to start "Call the Midwife." What is it with PBS and BBC?

3) If I ever do run out of things to watch, I can always throw in the long version of Pride and Prejudice.  I have a sudden strange desire to watch it again.  I blame BBC.  Again.

4) I wouldn't be doing QT's and watching Downton at the same time, except that I'm crunched for time. (Also, I need a distraction when the drama gets to be too much for me.)  I'm busy because I'm taking a wilderness first aid class right now.  It's good and helpful, but I don't like 3 hour lectures.  It makes me tired.  And bored.  And keeps me out past my bedtime. But it's really good information.

5) Like most people, I have been frustrated with some of the winter weather throughout April.  I am happy that some of the mountains are getting significant amounts; anything that will help slow down the fires and keep the west from burning again like it did last year would be fantastic. (But what is up with people messing with avalanche territory?  Heavy, new, wet, spring snow on crappy, old winter snow is asking for disaster.)

6) Speaking of fires, I see them differently now.  Living in the flat lands, I didn't think of them too much.  However, when I was out climbing the other day, my friend and I looked out at the clouds at a distance and some of the rain that was starting to fall.   Then we noticed another cloud that was rising. And we heard the sirens. On the one hand, I wasn't too concerned.  It was in town, and I knew that the terrain would be easy and there would be plenty of access (things I never used to think about at all).  On the other hand, spending a summer surrounded by fires all throughout the West, those sirens put me on alert in a way that they didn't used to.  I don't even care if the rain keeps me from climbing.  Let it rain!  Or even snow!  (Although, I still prefer my moisture on days that I can't climb anyway.  If I could choose. Which I can't.)

7) Speaking of snow, my "hike" this last weekend actually turned into a snowshoe.  So that was fun. (I'm not being sarcastic. It really was a lot of fun.)

Okay, have a great weekend and head over to Jen's (welcome back, Jen!) for more QT's.  My weekend will consist of trying to pass a first aid test (written and practical) without studying, trying not to need my newfound skilz as we take to the rock after the class (because it's supposed to be AMAZING this weekend, and I have to get out to play at least a little), and patting myself on the back for finishing Friday QT's in time to actually publish it on, well, Friday.

P.S. I mentioned last week that I have a new outfit that I can't wait to wear and that it would be appropriate for WIWS.  It may be warm enough to wear it this weekend, but don't hold your breath for pictures. I'm lazy, and the post would require finding a spot for the camera and doing the whole timer number and taking probably a lot of photos, and then I'd still have to crop out my head (because of this being an "anonymous" blog if there is such a thing).  And that's just creepy.  Who wants a headless outfit? (That's a rhetorical question!)

7 Quick Takes

1) I wish there were the right words to say, the right feelings to feel, the right things to do to make things better.  But there are not.  And so I will pray, and I will do my best to love those in my life to the fullest of my ability and to live my life to the greatest extent that I can.

2) With that in mind, I went for a hike today with a friend.  We couldn't find the beginning of the "trail" we wanted (because it was supposed to have a good view).  So we had to go to a different trail for that particular peak, which was in the trees. Then when we got our packs out, I found that my water had leaked all over my pack.  And I took my inhaler, but still found myself struggling on a gentle slope (the whole thing was pretty flat).

And... The hike was almost perfect.  I needed to be outside in the mountains, and none of the rest mattered.  The first "trail" would have been a lot of tiring bushwhacking, and the second was along a 4WD road that at least gave us a trail.  I don't know what was up with having a hard time with hiking, but eventually it got a little better and I was able to even do part of the work for breaking the trail with snowshoes.  The trees opened up at several points to allow us some views.  At one point, there was one of those perfect moments that I wanted to soak up forever.  The sun was shining on us, we could see blue sky in some places, puffy clouds in others, dark storm clouds rolling in the snow in yet another place, and we could see snow covered peaks in the distance.  I don't even know the best way to describe it.  It was just one of those moments that felt perfect.

3) I also got a chance to talk with my friend on the way back about God and religion and stuff.  I barely know where it started, but I carried on long enough to surprise my friend with my enthusiasm for the subject and my ability to go on and on about it (you, my friends, have been reading here for too long; no way would you have found it surprising). It was interesting.  This person is at a crossroads and could use some prayers.  There does seem to be a hunger there, but it needs some stirring up.  However, it could lead to some difficult personal issues if they pursue it a little more due to people in their life that are very anti-religion and apathetic toward God. Normally, when getting in these discussions, I find myself listening for and quickly hearing the cue that it's time to be quiet now.  This time I just kept talking.  And have no idea why I took the topics I did.  A couple of times I almost stopped but almost felt like I should keep going.  Yikes!  Hope God had a plan with all of that and it wasn't just me running my mouth!

4) I know a lot of you either participate in or are familiar with the What I Wore Sunday series.  I have not participated ever for several reasons, but the primary one is that I don't have any outfits that I feel would be particularly exciting to share.  Until now.  And one of the reasons that I have this one is because seeing all of your various outfits gave me a couple of ideas the last time that I was out shopping.  Only... I won't actually share it because I won't be wearing it this weekend.  It's a spring/summer outfit and it's apparently still winter here.  Thank goodness, since we need whatever moisture wants to come!  I can't for Spring, but I also remember how stinking hot it was this time last year, and how horribly hot it was all summer; I am so okay if things are cooler throughout the summer this year!

5) I feel like I have been learning a lot in my professional life right now.  So. Much. Stuff.  One of the things that is the most interesting is the interplay of the mind and the body.  Now, most of us know that there are significant connections, but I am talking about learning about the specific mechanisms of how some of that works. I'm hoping that it will help me with my chronic pain patients as I figure it out better.  Did you know that a lot of people with chronic pain also have problems with IBS, anxiety, insomnia, depression, etc. along with multiple sites of pain?  I knew it, but didn't know what to do about it.  But that's another piece of all of this along with how various life traumas play a role in chronic pain (trauma being defined as a negative life event that happens, particularly when we are helpless to do anything about it; it can be anything from job loss and financial instability, to divorce, to injuries/accidents, to losses of loved ones and many other things). Reading this particular take, you are probably finding a simple cure for insomnia right now!  I'll let you know if I figure out other (less boring) answers.

6) Hmm, I'm getting tired.

7) So I guess I'll go to bed.  Head over to Grace's for way more QT's!

The Script

I have never acted, directed, or really had anything to do with any sort of play or movie or commercial or anything that required a script.  Really not in my comfort zone.  But that doesn't mean that I am not intimately familiar with one particular script.  I speak of the one in my head with regards to my life. It is not completely fleshed out, but the outlines are certainly there.  I do not claim that my script is original or unusual or perfect.  In fact, I would claim the opposite, that it is the same as many others.  It may be very vanilla in many ways, but I thought it was quite nice for my life.

You know the script well. It involves going to school, graduating, getting a job, falling in love, getting married, buying a house, having kids, raising said kids, then enjoying the grandkids. Generally in about that order, though obviously some of those things are juxtaposed. Most of us have some variation of this script, though it does vary for some people.  Regardless of what the script is, most of us have one.

These scripts are not minute by minute or word by word for the majority of us (though for some very special Type A's, maybe they are!)  They are more outlines in broad strokes with plenty of room for improvisation.  I thought I was pretty flexible with the timeline for some of these things happening.  I wanted them at a certain time, of course, but I was able to re-write the script as needed and find that it still fit my needs for the most part.

At least, that was the case until the last couple of years.  In order for my life to fit with the rest of the script that I had written, certain things sort of had to happen by now.  Now instead of minor revisions, the whole thing requires an overhaul.  Many of the things that I wanted cannot be.

This is not to say that I can never get married, have kids, or own a home.  But part of the script called for these things happening sooner.  I was convinced that I wanted to be a younger parent and the parent of many.  The first is no longer possible, and the second is less likely.  I wanted to introduce my husband to all my grandparents.  I could still introduce him to my mom's parents, but I will never see the love and pride in my grandma's eyes over my children the way I saw it for my cousins' children. One of the worst parts of it all?  Sometimes it's hard to make new connections or keep connections with those whose lives followed the script more closely.  We are on different pages.  I want to be on their page, but no amount of wishing makes it so.  I try to understand, but I can only imagine.  Some of them try to understand where I am, too, but not all try or even seem to care.

I can't tell you how much agony and how many tears have gone into the script and all the mental rewrites.  Imagine the paper, written on, scratched off, crumpled, stained and slaved over.  I kept trying to get it right; kept working on turning out a product that looked half as wonderful as all those around me.  I thought surrendering meant re-writing it until it finally fit God's plan, even if it didn't perfectly match my own original plan.

I find that surrendering means something different.  The script cannot be my measurement for how my life is going.  I can't use it to determine whether my life is going as it should or is leading in the right direction.  I can't use it to plan what will someday be.  I can't use it as the structure and framework for my dreams. In fact, I can't use the script at all.  I have to toss it out completely.

What an easy thing to say, and what a hard thing to do.  It is a script with a plan that has been held so closely for so long, that it doesn't shake loose from my soul by simply deciding it must go.  It has to be purged bit by bit.

I have been having those pangs recently; like seeing the picture of my friend's 7 year old, and realizing that if my script had gone "the right way", I would likely have a 5 year old and maybe two or three younger ones as well.  Or when I read those hilarious mommy blogs and wish I could join in the discussion with the funny things my kids said or did.  Or when I hear of pregnancy experiences or birth stories and wish that I could join in with all the knowing in my voice of women everywhere through all generations.

On the other hand, I have also begun to notice the freedom of life without the script, and it is a beautiful thing.  It's okay to be happy with my cozy little rental home that fits the current needs of my life.  I don't need to own a home, because there's no script to say that I'm late in getting one.  I do not need a husband by a certain time in order for x, y, and z to happen on time, because there is no time frame.  Some of those things may happen, some may not.  But there is no pressure that they have to happen a certain way because there is no script, only this moment; only today.  And suddenly instead of a script of what my life should be, there is the story of who I am.  It is a story that gets richer whatever comes along, so it doesn't particularly matter what happens when.

Thank you to all of you to all of you who are a part of my life and my story.  I love that you are in these moments with me, whatever they are and wherever they're going next!